Bitter (wlw) (teacherxstudent)

four

As I tried to fall asleep I couldn't stop wondering why she wanted to actually go out with me and see me again. I wasn't complaining, of course, but it just felt unreal to me.

My insecurities were probably taking over my thoughts, though.

I grew up with a family who would always criticize basically anything I ever did, which resulted in me thinking I didn't deserve anything good that ever happened to me. It's gotten way better thanks to all the years of therapy but it sometimes took over my thoughts, as I said.

I luckily somehow managed to fall asleep, I really didn't want to show up looking like a sleep deprived zombie.

Even if that was kind of what I was, my sleeping schedule definitely needed to be fixed if I wanted to give a decent impression to people in college.

The following morning I showed up in front of her flat at 9 on the spot, I texted her not wanting to disturb by ringing the doorbell and waited until Sam also showed up in front of me

"Morning! You alright?" she asked. 

"Hi! I'm okay, you?"

"I'm fine too" she said, yawning. "Would kill for some coffee, though"

"I thought the British only drank tea" I joked. 

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that" she joked back, heading out.

Once we got there and ordered our coffees it was almost difficult for us to find a free table, although we ended up finding one in a really inconvenient spot.

"This'll do. I swear to God, you Americans really enjoy your cafè trips no matter what. It'd be weird for so many people to be out so early on a Sunday morning in England" she sighed, taking a seat.

"You thought less people would be here because it's early?" I laughed.

"I guess so. I've been here for a while now but I still have to get used to all of this"

"Wait. I thought you'd just moved here" I said, slightly confused. 

"Yeah, in the flat"

"Oh"

"I've been living here for about two months now. Thought I'd already told you"

"So where were you living before?" I asked. 

"You should learn to think if someone's okay with a question before asking it, you know" her eyes weren't focused on me anymore, she was facing the floor.

"Shit. Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

That was it. I came off as rude to her without realizing it. She probably wouldn't want to see me anymore.

"It's fine, don't worry. Just some advice" she said once again looking at me. "I was living with my now ex".

"Oh. I'm sorry about, well, you know..." I guessed she'd broken up with the person in question but didn't know how to put things in a nice way.

"It's fine" she smiled. "She had better plans than to spend her life with me and that's okay, honestly"

She.

Hearing that pronoun made my stomach drop, confirming what I'd been hoping for. I mean, I knew I didn't have a single chance with her at that point but it was nice to live for the hope of it.

"Well, I'm glad things didn't end badly then. But whatever her reasons were, I think she missed out on an opportunity. You seem a great person, you know" I dared to say.

"I appreciate the compliment," she laughed. "I think I'm better off alone now, though. At least for the moment. I don't want any women, or men, making my life more complicated than it is at the moment".

Oh. That hurt.

"I get that. Alone time is always good for you" I said as I cleared my throat.

"What about you? You caught up in any teenage drama? God, I miss those days"

"Do I make you feel old?" I joked.

"I'd be lying if I said that's not true..."

"You literally thought I was older enough to drink on Friday, just pretend I'm as old as you thought I was"

Sam scoffed and leant further back in her chair.

"But no, I'm not caught up in anything now, I haven't been in a while..."

I proceeded to tell her the whole story of me and my ex boyfriend, our break up and everything that went down after that. I talked about the fact that I wasn't sure I even liked him as much as I convinced myself, not realizing she was probably going to ask the reason behind that.

"I don't know, I've just been reflecting a lot on my feelings during the past few months" I replied trying to sound convincing.

I knew the real reason was that what the single thought of her made me feel also made me rethink my whole perspective of love and relationships.

What I felt for my ex or any other boy I thought I'd loved wasn't even close to this.

"I realized I might have been with him because that's what I was supposed to do. This conventionally perfect guy liked me, it seemed ridiculous at the time for me not to take the opportunity. But maybe I just wanted other people's approval by being with him. I don't know. Sorry, I didn't mean to start blubbering about my life problems. You probably didn't ask me to hang out to hear-"

"Stop. It's okay. I'm glad to listen if it helps. You can talk about whatever you want" she interrupted, placing her hand on top of mine, which led me to visibly gulp.

"I asked you to hang out because you were really good company the other day, and figured out I enjoyed talking to you. No particular reason. Plus, I'm the one who asked a question in the first place"

"Oh. Okay...sorry-"

"Stop saying you're sorry, there's no need"

"I just...nevermind. Thank you for listening" I said not being able to even look at her in the face. My face was once again probably bright red. And her hand was still on top of mine, which was not helping at all.

"Why do you always seem so scared of me?" she laughed.

"I'm not-" I paused. "You're just quite intimidating, I-"

"Everyone tells me that." she proudly said."You'll have to get used to it, I guess".

The smile that formed onto her face gave me the impression that she knew the power she had on people.

Was she implying that she wanted to spend time with me again?

If that was the case the thought of it made me both incredibly excited and panicked. I obviously wanted to spend time with her, but I also didn't know how long I could resist being her friend, or whatever she defined it, without making it blatantly obvious that I thought she was the prettiest person I'd ever seen and that my stomach was a complete mess of butterflies each time I was with her.

Or saw her.

Or thought of her.