What We Take Away

Chapter 33 | Cassie

Sabrina finally catches on and tosses her headphones onto the table. They clatter loudly as she whirls around to grip my hand.

"Cassie! Oh my God, what's going on? What happened?"

She glances at Ranjit, who shakes his head worriedly.

"Are you stressed about midterms?" he asks dubiously.

"Is it Aram?" Sabrina seethes violently.

Hearing his name only makes me cry harder. I sink down in my seat and squeeze myself tightly, buffeted by an unseen tide of emotion.

"Tell us what's going on," Sabrina urges gently. "You can be honest with us, Cass."

A sound like a strangled sob mixed with a wobbly laugh comes out of me. If only she knew how dishonest I've been -- with everyone and everything, including myself.

I let out a shaky breath.

"It's not about Aram. It's about everything else," I respond, my voice quavering. "I haven't been honest about a lot of things."

Ranjit and Sabrina exchange a concerned look.

"What do you mean by that, Cass?" he asks, his voice soft and soothing.

I glance from Ranjit to Sabrina, taking in their troubled expressions. I no longer have anything to lose by telling my friends the truth. And I've lost the strength to keep up pretenses.

"I... wanted to go to school for music," I shudder quietly. "For as long as I remember, music was all I ever wanted to do. I got into Eastman."

"You never told me that!" Sabrina's eyes widen with surprise. "That was your dream school!"

"Eastman... isn't that all the way up in Rochester?" Ranjit inquires.

Sabrina shushes him and nudges me to continue. I inhale, knowing the next part will be difficult to articulate out loud.

"Yeah, it was my dream school. I poured my heart and soul into that audition, and I got in. But my dad didn't want to send me to Eastman. He told me he... couldn't love me if I pursued music," I swallow. "So, I accepted CHU's offer and declared a premedicine major. I thought--" my voice breaks-- "I thought, if I could just prove to him that I'm worthy, a-and smart and capable, he'd accept me."

"Oh, honey..."

Sabrina slides over and throws her arms around me.

"I've been pretending I'm someone I'm not," I chuckle sadly. "In more ways than one. I don't want to be a doctor. I hate chemistry. I just convinced myself it would be better this way. And I've been fooling everyone, and fooling myself that this is what I want... but the truth is, it's not what I want at all."

The air is heavy with my admission of truth. Ranjit sighs deeply, his eyes full of compassion.

"You know, Dr. Hahn saw through the lies," I inform him. "She called me to her office. I thought she was going to fail me, but she just asked if I was happy. And I can't remember the last time I was truly happy."

I sigh, weary and relieved not to be carrying this load anymore.

"I fooled myself into thinking Aram was what I wanted, too," I murmur. "I just wanted to be loved. But it's too late."

"It's not too late," Sabrina says quietly. "It's never too late!"

"What do you want, Cass?" Ranjit asks, his tone firm and hopeful.

I look at him, eyes red and raw from crying.

"I don't know," I confess. "But not this," I gesture to the problem set laid out on the table.