My Minds Deception

1

I dream of nothing more than freedom. My heart yearns for nothing more than the freedom to exist just as I am. Although, I don't think for a second I truly understand what freedom is. I have painted the illusion of what it is like to be liberated. Only in rare moments do I recognize that I long for something painted by myself and not the world I live in. "I am myself and nothing more." I don't know what that means and that is okay. When I am alone... so wonderfully alone that I cannot even see the world in front of me. These statements are true. I am myself. And in every moment after I am nothing, I am nothing in a way that is painful. I am insignificant and I care. I only care when I'm not alone. Maybe my definition of freedom isn't fake, only momentary. And maybe I don't care enough to process that... or you know what? Maybe it is fake because I'm not actually alone in my so-called moments of freedom. But, I don't care enough to- You know what maybe being alone is all about perspective and although no one sees me that is not enough to be labeled as alone. You can be lonely in a room filled with people can't you... the buzzing of existence isn't enough to feel seen. But I don't care enough to really analyze that. So I guess if I take a second I can recognize I am not alone, I'm just in my own head. And I am never actually acknowledged. Even though I wish I could be nothing, I want to be nothing by myself, not in a room full of people.