SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄️ FRAGMENTED LIES | VICTORIA ❄️

Grammar: 17/20

​You told me to keep an eye out for some typos in your book. I definitely saw a few, but I won't go over every single issue I saw. The typos I'm defining are a few commas placed in the wrong places, which leads to just a few fragments. There is a small instance in Chapter 4 when you mention the movie Casper. This is very nitpicky, and you probably just skipped over it, but you need to make sure you italicize the names of movies. Yes, it's stupid, but it's a rule.

There is another minor thing that you do, and that's with the word too. In sentences like, "He saw them too," you always want to make sure you put a comma after the word that is followed by "too". Correct sentence: "He saw them, too." I just learned this rule, so I'm still playing around with it. It stinks because I've had to go through all my stories and fix this issue. It's tedious, yes, but near-perfect grammar will get you those awesome scores with grammar in awards. I know you enter a lot of them.

A couple instances, you forget words, so the sentences are not "complete". There is also one time in Chapter 5 where you put two words together: "anythingtogether (early in Chapter 5)."

What I'm saying is that I think you need to do another round of editing. With this one, try focusing on all the typos and simple grammar errors and fix them, so you can score even higher in awards. Compared to my Blossoming Redemption, the grammar in Fragmented Lies does not feel as complete and professional. Don't worry, though. Everything I saw is very minor, and it shouldn't take you long to correct the issues. But I did have to take a few points off, since typos was what you wanted me to look at.

Writing Craft: 18/20

​The main thing I've noticed with your writing, since I also read My Blossoming Redemption for the Featured opportunity, is that you struggle with sensory details. You're so good when it comes to showing characters' emotions, but I think you hit a wall when it comes to setting and the best way to paint a picture in your reader's head. Tell us what the bookstore Winter works in looks like, smells like, etc., for example. I've gone over this with you before, so I would really like you to try to include the five senses. You'll be amazed by how much better the story will read and just how much more engaging it will become.

​To help you describe things better, refer to Chapter 5, when Cal and Winter are in the coffee shops. The sense you used was smell, and you did it wonderfully: "The smell of crushed coffee beans, frothy milk and cooking paninis infiltrate my nose, making it itch and recoil." Wow! That is beautiful! Use this sentence as your guinea pig when you go back and try to fix the sensory details. Nevertheless, do not forget the other senses, too. You can definitely do it. Believe me, I'm still working on my sensory details, so you're not alone.

​Another thing that can benefit you when it comes to writing craft is figurative language. I know you know what this is, so I'll make this brief. Add more similes and metaphors. With so many emotions spiraling through Winter when she sees Cal again, I'm sure she feels "lost, like a woman whose stumbled into an alleyway after a little too much to drink at the bar", "confused, like everybody who watches the ending of The Sixth Sense (since you mention this in your story)." Do you see what I'm getting at?

​Regardless of the above suggestions, your approach to the writer's craft is solid. Your dialogue is believable, realistic, and contemporary, and you do a great job with keeping your readers at the edge of their seats. This was my favorite thing about the story. The element of mystery is phenomenal! I seriously do not know if I should believe that's it's really Cal talking to Winter, or that her grief has gotten to her head. Don't spoil anything, please! The anticipation for the next chapter is real. I look for clues all over the place and try to compete the puzzle. I'm a sucker for mystery, so I had a lot of fun with this book.

Characters: 9/10

​Winter is a very strong character—more so than Liam and Caleb, I feel. You set up her personality beautifully in the first five chapters and instantly get people to connect with her. She tells us about death and how it's affected her after she lost Cal. The part at the graveyard was very powerful, especially when you told us about the balloon and how Winter wanted to be alone without Liam. That was such a wonderful way to introduce us to her personality. I fell even more in love with her when she found Cal again. She had every right to be confused and angry.

​What threw me off a little bit was the bookstore scene, when the man in the hoodie—Caleb—stalked her. I would think Winter would be a little more freaked out. To me, I had a sense that deep down, she already knew who the stalker was. Towards the end of the chapter, things get really strange, but Winterhandles it rather nicely, when I would be suspicious about one man or multiple customers buying murder books. Honestly, I'm surprised Winter did not lose her mind a little. Let's try to explore her emotions a bit more in the scene. Make her feel uncomfortable. Show us that she's uncomfortable. Have her jiggle her hands around, or have her sweat up a storm. That will show us she's really weirded out. Regardless, I enjoy Winter'scharacter. I can tell you put a lot of thought and work into her. You're always good with your characters.

I'm not going to judge you too harshly on Liam or Caleb just yet, since they have not been in the book as long as Wintercurrently. I would like to see a little more of Liam's personality, though—aside from he's so madly in love with Winter. Like what you did with her, dig deep into his personal life. He's human, too, so surely he has some problems of his own that he sometimes talks to Winter about. Is he nervous about the wedding, or if Winter truly loves him, or is he just there to mess with her? Again, I'm not going to judge you too hard on this, because I did only read the first five chapters, but I think you can tell us more about Liam's personal life earlier rather than later.

I don't really know what to say about Caleb right now, except that he is a little strange, and I don't know if to believe he is truly alive or not, which, of course, is part of the mystery. You did do a wonderful job of showing us his everlasting love for Winter in your flashbacks. I also think that, so far, he has the best dialogue in the book. You were dead for five years, dude! Of course Winter would be freaked out! His poor approach to her when he decides to show himself to her is very well-written. The flaw is clearly there, and I can't wait to see more of it, as well as learn more about the truth of his reappearance.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

​Overall, this is a solid draft, but it does not feel as polished as My Blossoming Redemption. Not to me, at least. I don't know what other reviewers say. Flaws aside, this was my most enjoyable read of the review shop so far—especially with how you combine the mystery and romance genres. Is this your first time working with mystery, or have you done it before? I'm just curious. You have a solid main character, a clear conflict, and some amazing emotional details that take us into your protagonist's mind a lot. I'm assuming she's a bit of a daydreamer. I'm very curious about the reappearance of Caleb. When I have time, I am definitely going to return to this book and figure out the mystery. Wonderful work here! I appreciate you choosing me as your reviewer. Good luck

Total: 82/100