𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗻𝘁 ✘𝙀.𝙔𝙚𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙧 ✘

Disobedient

The book consisted of three point of views. The three perspectives alternated between each chapter. You wanted it to capture all of the fine details of love in itself, and the emotions inflicted on three completely different women. You got Levi's consent before adding Mikasa's own word. Same for Carla. Any time Eren or his father were mentioned, rather than deleting the world you chose to leave a space for the name. There are many women who may feel the same way and perhaps would like to read in the perspective of their own situation.

His love, Ackerman - I love him, I love him so much it burns. I love the way ____ smells and how he touches me. When I leave with him my soul fills with this unknown euphoria that I cannot explain. When it is just him and I, him and I, comfort swells in me and suddenly I feel like air thickens and I struggle to swallow a breath. I feel my eyes sob and my teeth grit. I want to love him so bad but he won't take my love, he only wants to take me. He wants to ravage me, disassemble my bones and leave me but a naked carcass. I want to let him.

I want him to hurt me, however he chooses. In hopes that one day he will appreciate all that I am, and perhaps love me, love me the way i love him. Love me in a way that isn't sick. He loves me in a way that makes my skin crawl and my ears bleed. He loves me in a way that doesn't feel love. Love is not an addiction like most may say, love is an infatuation. But his love is a disease. It corrodes your soul and tears apart your mind.

All I want is eternal happiness with ____. To be a mother to his kids, a wife to his home. All I want is him. He is my desire, my driving force. And yes. I may be young, I may be stupid but I am in love. I am in so much love that no matter what happens I will love him until it ends me.

Dreams, Yeager - I hate myself, with every ounce of my body I hate what I see when the mirror looks out to me. I feel sick. What have I done, A question I ask frequently. This child I've made with an ___, an evil man. A man i swore I could learn to love. But you cannot learn to love someone. You love them or you do not. And I do not. The hate that I hold for this man has festered into hatred for myself. I thought about money, fame, and status. I thought that maybe It would be enough to erase the hate in my heart, but it is not, it is nowhere near enough.

The scars littered across my body, the scars littered across my brain. They cannot be healed with compensation. No money in the world can take back those nights were my face bled, or when my knees gave in from being fucked so roughly. No love, no passion. Just rough, horrid sex. I found enjoyment in it. Fucked until I couldn't feel, feel the pain I was drowned in.

Alcohol does that too, drugs as well. That's all my life has become. Being abused for so long has caused me to abuse substances that cannot cry out to me, cannot beg for me to stop, cannot scream in anguish. Because if it did I would relate to it, and not be able to abuse it. I wouldn't be able to abuse it, I wouldn't because I am it. I am it, I am it. What has become of me. I am nothing more than a substance, a thing, an object.

I had dreams once.

L/n, unsteady - I don't understand how I even got into this situation. Sometimes I wonder what god would allow this to happen. What god would even allow this. I thought if I did everything right nothing could go wrong, but I was terribly wrong. He was my savior and my oppressor. A demon disguised as an angel. Perhaps a devil that once was an angel. I can't be sure. I can't be sure of anything in a world he exists in. Everything I know becomes everything I know. Everything I know is everything he told me to know. ____ makes me malleable, soft; like wet clay.

He found himself a vital role in my life.

He was nothing to me and suddenly became everything.

He took things I gave no man.

He was my hell.

He is my hand. My hands my hands.

When I look at my hands they shake, and only he can steady them. Only he can ease this fire he has lit within me. But I have no choice but to burn forever because I will reject this love until the death of me. I refuse to manifest into hatred, and I refuse to submit to dangerous love.

So I will shake. And live as well as god will allow me.

Writing this book was truly the closure you needed. The small diary entries continued throughout the nearly three hundred page book. Each page telling a different story. You finally felt whole and had something to be proud of and look back on. Making beauty out of so much pain.