A Court of Golden Shadow || Elain x Azriel

Chapter 14 - Well. Shit.

So Elain and Lucien had indeed spent the past month bonding... with fae of the mentor variety, rather than with each other.

She sighed, watching Lucien ride ahead of her, feeling the skin on her thigh begin to burn miserably. She wanted to go back to the palace. To end this insufferable adventure and return to the comfort of her rooms. Elain felt her toe begin to prickle, the numbness spreading to the rest of her foot as an inexplicable streak of rage coursed through her. Why was she on this damn horse if she didn't want to be? Lucien certainly didn't force himself to sit in the garden with her after he had concluded it was not his cup of tea.

This was ridiculous. She didn't have to be here.

"Can we go back?" Elain called sharply toward the fireling.

"Sure, we can begin riding East..."

"No," she interrupted him. "Can you winnow me? I can't do this any longer."

Lucien turned back toward her, frustration flooding his eyes, but he nodded, removing himself from his horse, and fastening it to a tree.

"I'm sorry." she squeaked out, feeling guilty for the change of plans.

She suddenly wished she was stronger. Wished she was like Feyre. Or Nesta. Hells... she wished she was like Vassa: a female who could tolerate adventure or at the very least, not cause Lucien to look at her this way. She may not have romantic feelings for him, but she felt terrible disappointing him. Or maybe she just felt terrible disappointing anyone.

Sighing, Lucien approached her horse, reaching up and grabbing her around the waist, he pulling her off the mare and depositing her on the ground. And it wasn't her imagination when she noticed that he performed the task rather roughly.

"Are you upset with me?" Elain drew her eyes up towards Lucien's, a sick feeling creeping in her stomach.

"No. It's just... Well." Lucian cut himself off, drawing his fist to his eyebrow.

The gesture reminded her of a parent.

An exasperated parent who was done dealing with a needy toddler. Elain had seen her mother perform the same gesture many times throughout her childhood. The realization struck a chord within Elain, and she found the sick feeling traveling up from her stomach and exploding into her mouth.

"You ARE annoyed with me. I can tell."

Lucian just stared down at her, his fist falling from his eyebrow and resting on the mare beside them in a pat.

"I know you are. Just admit it. You wish I was different." She took a step toward him. "I know you wish I could ride horses for hours. Or that I could match you in games, fight with a sword, be sarcastic, or powerful, or whatever." She spat the words at him, surprised that her tone seemed to remind her so much of Nesta. Or Feyre on a bad day. "I know you're frustrated with me: that I don't seem to feel our bond and that I talk about gardening too much, that I'm too quiet, and that I only like to wear skirts. I know it grates on you. I know I grate on you."

Lucian stared down at her, dumbfounded. Perhaps he didn't realize that she wasn't dense. That she could absolutely pick up on his subtle cues of frustration over the past month they had been spending together. Closing the gap between them, he reached toward her shoulder.

"You said you don't feel the bond, but yet you know what frustrates me."

Wrenching her shoulder away, she turned from him. "I'm not an idiot Lucien. I can read people. I'm observant." It was the first time she had ever addressed him by his name, a wake of sparking intensity following her remark, circling them, cracking and fizzling.