The show must go on

Chapter 12 - nothing else matters like us

"Alex," I say tiredly, out of breath as I close the door behind me and walk away from the room.

"Hey, are you alright?" he asks immediately as he hears out my crushed tone. He knows me too well. I struggle with the words, not quite sure what to say. No, nothing is alright. Nothing at all. My world is crushing down on me right now and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But what should I say? Should I tell my boyfriend that I couldn't be more unhappy and sad because my ex-girlfriend has cancer? Should I say that I would give up my own life for hers? That I don't want to be separated from her for a second? 

"I saw that Jade is in the hospital," he beats me to it and it's enough to make me sob. I've been strong all day, trying to be there for her. But here outside her room with Alex on the phone, I just can't lie anymore. I have no strength left to pretend that everything is fine.

"Perrie, what's wrong?" he asks now, concerned, when all he hears is me sobbing.

"Jade...she...she has cancer," I then confess quietly and the words alone are enough to make me break down. It feels like a panic attack is inevitable and I have to concentrate hard on my breathing to keep from falling prey to my own emotions.

While I try not to lose my composure completely, Alex is silent. He doesn't make a sound and for a moment I wonder if he has hung up on me. But then I hear him clear his throat.

"Perrie, listen to me," he says softly, yet demanding. "I love you and I'm sure you love me too," and my heart almost stops. "But I know you love her too. And I also think you love her even more than you love me."

I sob out loud again. All this time I didn't want to admit it to myself, I wanted to suppress my feelings and just be happy with Alex, the perfect man. But hearing him say it out loud only shows me how dishonest I've been to myself and how right he is.

"She needs you, now more than ever. And you need to be there for her. I know you, it would tear you apart not to be able to do that," he explains and all I can do is nod and breathe softly into the phone, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. We had a great time..." he counters and I notice him struggling with tears himself. "But I'll give you free," he then says and my heart breaks. But at the same time I suddenly feel relieved. He takes it from me. He takes the decision from me. He pushes me in her direction because deep down we both know exactly that she was always present. That she was always in my heart and I never got really away from her. Even though I never told him the whole truth, I know he knows. In this moment, as heartbreaking and wistful as it is, I couldn't be more grateful to him.

"You are a great person, Alex. Please don't ever doubt that," I say softly.

"I'm just not her," he counters, and from his voice I know for sure he's smirking sadly. "Take care, Perrie," he says before hanging up the phone.

I quickly decide not to waste another moment. He gave me a chance, he opened my eyes, showed me the way. I love Jade. I have always loved her and I need to be there for her. I need to be by her side and help her beat the cancer.