tongue tied - jake kiszka

29.

   He looked so nice.

   He was so nice.

   I hated it sometimes. We were driving back from the cemetery, listening to music with the AC blasting, and I kept stealing glances at him. I hoped he didn't notice.

   "What are you looking at?"

   Shit.

   He was looking at me out of the corner of his eye, a little smirk playing on his lips as he said it. I shifted in the seat uncomfortably, returning my gaze quickly to my lap. "Nothing." I answered nonchalantly.

   "That's not true." He grinned. God, he was so unfair sometimes. "I was looking at your hair." I said, which was only a half lie. I had been looking at his hair- along with the rest of him. I was trying to remember what he looked like, down to the very last eyelash.

   I knew that pretty soon they would be leaving town, heading out to the next place, and I probably wouldn't see him again. I didn't like how that thought made me feel.

   "Yeah, it's a little crazy right now." Jake nodded, clearly believing my answer. "But luckily, I have this hair tie now so I can put it up."

   My hair tie.

   "Is it okay if I keep it?" He asked, motioning towards his wrist. I nodded quickly, turning my face to hide my smile. "Good. Now every time I see it or use it, I'll think of you."

   My face felt hot. There was no way I was fucking blushing.

   "Thank you for being here for me today." I spoke, clearly trying to change the topic. Jake gave me a small smile, shrugging his shoulders lightly. "That's what friends are for." He began, before adding quickly, "If that's what we are."

   "We are."

   "I just wasn't sure after..." His voice trailed off and I knew he was talking about that night. I took a deep breath in, trying to gather all my thoughts before I said them out loud.

   "Jake, I know I've been a bitch to you. I've told you what to do, got mad when you didn't do it, got mad when you did. I've been a lot of things to you, but you've been a good friend to me regardless of it all. And even though I don't deserve it I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to show you how good of a friend I can be too."

   I held my breath, waiting to see how he'd respond if he even did. "I never thought you were a bad friend." He said quietly, "But I also never thought of you as just a friend."

   "I know that the whole thing with Dawn was confusing, but Charlie- you can't tell me that I was just a friend either."

   I wished he wasn't driving. I wanted to be able to have this conversation face to face, but I wasn't sure I'd even be able to do that. "But if I was and you tell me I was- tell me I was nothing more than a friend, then I'll just be that."

   I couldn't tell him that because he was right. He wasn't just a friend, no matter how much I tried to tell myself he was. No matter how hard I pushed it on him. I had hated myself for the past couple weeks because I knew deep down that there was more and it wasn't just on his end.

   "I tried not to like you."

   Jake's eyes shot over to mine. "Pay attention to the road." I said, but he just grinned. "You tried not to like me?" He asked, ignoring me as his eyebrows rose.

   "I tried." I felt embarrassed all of a sudden. "You were off limits and I respected that. But you were-"

   "Relentless?"

   "Yeah," I laughed a little, "Relentless."

   The sun was beginning to set as we approached my old Impala on the side of the road. He pulled up behind it and parked, turning in his seat a little to look at me.

   The setting sun was coming in through my window, casting an orangish warm glow over his face and I couldn't help but notice how handsome he looked. I almost told him so, but I didn't.

   I opened my mouth to speak at the same time he did and I abruptly closed mine. "You go first." I said and he shook his head quickly. "No, you."

   "Thank you again for today. It really meant a lot to me."

   "It was a hard day for you. It was the least I could do." He spoke, his voice quiet. It had been a hard day. I thought back to my conversation with my brother, how distant he'd been for so long, how distant he was even when he was standing right next to me- apologizing for not really being there.

I wondered if he ever really would be again.

I thought about my dad, buried right below the pretty purple flowers. The purple flowers that grew where something else never would. Someone else.

My eyes filled up with hot tears and I blinked quickly in hopes that they'd go away. It didn't seem to work as tears began to flow down my face in streams. I hated crying. I hated it even more that I was crying in front of him.

Jake reached out for me timidly and I looked up at him. I felt his fingers brush across my cheek, wiping away my tears lightly.

"I didn't mean to upset you." He whispered, his fingers still lingering against the side of my face. He looked so concerned. So worried about me. I hadn't meant to cry.

"You didn't upset me." I managed to get out and I was surprised by the sound of my voice, still thick with tears. His thumb brushed against my cheek softly, tracing my skin like he wanted to memorize it.

His face was right there and he seemed so close but still so far. Without thinking, I leaned forward and closed the gap, kissing him with tear stained lips.