My Blossoming Redemption

EIGHTEEN

I never thought I needed anyone because I knew people would see past my outside and see what goes on in my brain and the twisting of my mum's hold.

I never thought I needed anyone because people can be cruel and just abandon you when you thought you'd created a bond.

I never thought I needed anyone until Joel was stolen from me by this even crueller disease and put in a coma.

'No one stood by me the first time I defended myself; all deserted me. But the Lord stayed with me and gave me strength.'

My mum would add that if I opened my heart to God and Jesus as she has then I wouldn't feel so alone right now.

I need to do this, for Joel, for me, to show us both that I can take on his role and my role in this marriage, to prove to us both that I can be independent. To allow him time to rest and hopefully get stronger. I need to shoulder this burden, so he doesn't have to anymore.

I could call Nicholas to have someone to talk to, but not only is he at work, but he's also opened the two floodgates of awkwardness between us that we can't ignore anymore: we have feelings for each other, and he is Gabriel's adopted brother.

Well, I haven't admitted my feelings, but we both know they're there. I haven't exactly denied them.

But my son is the major issue here. I want to see him; I want to hold him just once more. But he's not mine. He's Nicholas' baby brother and he's brought that family so much happiness that they needed when me and Joel couldn't provide him with that.

Joel needs to know, and I never even got the chance to tell him.

I'm lying to him, just like he did to me.

Just like the dryer is spinning and evaporating the water from our clothes, I need to breathe and let this all go. I need to let the lies and the hurt evaporate and just take this one day at a time. Joel needs me, no matter how much he might want a divorce or how lonely I am. We made our mistakes and now we're paying for them in a ridiculous way; we just need to get through it.

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I've always thought this bedroom is too small. The bed takes up most of it, and while Joel would usually take up most of the bed, it still felt too big for the room. The deep red walls just make it seem smaller somehow, and we've been saying for ages we need to paint it brighter, but it's always been a job we haven't got around to doing.

Maybe I should do it while Joel's too sick, then he'll be happier when he comes home.

Except he wants a divorce because he doesn't love me.

He was speaking to someone on the phone. I wonder if it was a lawyer.

No, that would be ridiculous. You can do that online. But we can't get divorced because that would draw even more judgements, whispers, and hatred to our door. Our door is darkened with sin already. We're the opposite of the doors of the Jewish in Egypt being marked with the blood of a lamb they sacrificed so God 'passed over' their house and didn't strike down their firstborn in the tenth plague.

Our door is deep red with our sins, and we've paid for everyone so far. If we get divorced, our door will be so blackened, that it'll start rotting. I've already passed over the line by having what my mum would call impure thoughts about my husband's specialist nurse. I've passed over the line by flirting with him, I've danced and tiptoed over the line by not loving my husband enough not to think of another man.

The room feels far too big. The bleeding walls of deep red don't enclose me, they just make me feel lonelier than ever.

I grab one of Joel's checked shirts from the drawer and spray his aftershave on it. He might not love me as he should, and I might not love him as I should, but for two years we've slept beside each other. He's my angel, my saviour, my comfort, my best friend and my lover.

I miss Joel even though he's still breathing. I miss Joel even though we're rocky right now. I miss Joel because when he was here, I'd never feel judged or lonely.

I wrap the shirt over his pillow and inhale his scent. It instantly makes me close my eyes and want to sleep.

The bed no longer feels too big, and the room feels smaller. The walls are no longer bleeding, they're just wrapping me in their cold arms and rocking me to a comforting sleep that I haven't had since the night Joel fell ill a month ago.

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