The Vow

32

Kuya and Ate Gina's wedding is on next week, and ngayon naisipan namin magpipinsan na babae na magkaroon ng bachelorette party para kay Ate Gina.

We booked a hotel suite na soundproof sa isang 5-star hotel, and may malaking jacuzzi dito sa may balcony na for sure kakasya kaming 5 babae.

Alam ng mga pinsan naming lalaki at ni Kuya yung sa bachelorette party ni Ate, kaya gumawa din sila ng Bachelor party nya, andun din si Eli. Kanina pa nga tawag ng tawag pero hindi ko sinasagot at nasa bag ko lang phone ko. Tinignan ko saglit phone ko.

26 text messages from Boyfriend

37 missed calls from Boyfriend

Chineck ko yung ibang text nya.

From: Boyfriend

Girlfriend

From: Boyfriend

Don't you fucking invite guys there!

From: Boyfriend

Why won't you answer my call?

From: Boyfriend

I miss you already. Can we just ditch these parties and sleep together?

From: Boyfriend

Baby! Reply please. I miss you!!!

Natatawa nalang ako sa mga text nya.

Para syang bata na hindi binibigyan ng atensyon ng magulang.

Tsaka bakit naman kami mag iimbita ng lalaki? Eh duh! Andito ako, alam naman nila na hindi ako comfortable sa ganun.

"Wag ka mag-alala ate, hindi kami nag-invite ng boys. Andito si Beka eh" sabi ni Cindy

"Hoy! Cellphone ka ng cellphone dyan! Wag mo muna isipin jowa mo!" Sabi ni Rosie.

Binalik ko yung phone ko sa bag ko at pumunta na sa kanila sa jacuzzi. I am wearing my dark blue two-piece bikini at umupo ako sa gitna ni Claud at Cindy.

"Since we're all adults here, let's be wholesome and have an open forum. G?" Tanong ni Claud at um-oo kami.

"Ito matagal ko ng gustong itanong. Ate Gi, what did you feel when you found out that your ovaries needs to be removed and you won't be able to carry a child after that? I mean, I wasn't here when you undergone the operation, si Kuya lang nagsabi sa amin" tanong ko

"Ahm, I felt lost. Alam mo yung feeling na yung tanging bagay na bubuo sayo bilang babae is mawawala pa. I felt so lost and devastated, kasi before we knew about my ovary state, we had already planned our future, like how many babies would we have, how will our babies look like, and in just a snap, nawala yung bubble na yun, and was replaced with darkness"

"Eh diba nagpropose na si Hunter sayo noong nalaman niyo yun?"

"Yeah, I thought he will call off the engagement but no, he proved to me na hindi yun yung habol nya, that I am enough, and that we can adopt. He was so patient with me, it took almost a year bago ako talaga nakamove on at nakalaya sa depression na dulot nung pagkakatanggal ng ovary ko. I physically recovered, but mentally illed parin noon. Pero ayun, dumating si Mina, kahit hindi sya galing sa akin pakiramdam ko binuo nya kami bilang pamilya at bilang mag-asawa"

"Edi unli sex pala yun"

"Gaga ka talaga! Hindi yun yung habol ni Kuya Hunter!" Sabi ni Cindy at binatukan si Claud.

Napaisip ako, if Kuya was patient with Ate Gina while she was recovering from her own demons. Magagawa din kaya ni Eli yun? Would he be patient with me too? Or maghahanap sya ng iba na mafufulfill yung pamilya na gusto nyang buuhin?

"Hey, you're lost in your thoughts" sabi ni Rosie at siniko ako.

"Care to share? Open forum ito" sabi ni Ate

Nag-isip muna ako bago ibuka yung bibig ko.

"Eli and I already did it. Made love."

"You did? How did it went? Did it trigger something?"

"None, I thought it will, but, since it's Eli, it didn't trigger anything. We did it not just once, and then one time he suddenly asked me kung hindi parin daw ba ako buntis, we never use protection, pero ngayon pinapagpills na nya ako, ayaw pa daw nya ako magbuntis hanggang sa hindi pa tapos yung laban ko from my trauma. I was just thinking, kasi you said Kuya was so patient with you. I wonder if Eli would be patient with me too or baka mapagod sya kakaintindi at kakahintay sa akin at maghanap ng iba na magfufulfill sa pangarap nyang pamilya. Ewan ko, iniisip ko palang nadudurog na ako, paano pa kapag nangyari diba? Maybe I'm just being paranoid" sabi ko at sumimsim sa wine glass ko.

"You just love him that much kaya ka natatakot sa mga possibilities. Pero couz, communication is the key, pag-usapan niyo yan. Hindi sa pinapangunahan ko kayo, pero sometimes, baby ang nagiging solusyon ng mga babae to heal from trauma or depression"

"I will agree to that, Mina really healed me. Pero iba iba naman tayo ng pinagdaanan, so it's better if you communicate with Lij. Hindi yung sinasarili mo yung takot mo, mas mahirap yan. Mas lalong hindi ka makakalaya sa past mo, and also kayong dalawa ang nasa relasyon, hindi lang ikaw"

"Pag may time nalang, pareho pa kaming busy sa ospital ngayon dahil sa mga pasyente" sabi ko

"Pero balita ko naging pasyente nya yung anak ng mudra mo? How did it went? Andun parin ba sila?"

"Ang alam ko nakalabas na matagal na, bago pa ata yung birthday ko or pagkatapos. They were almost my patient, but, he took it. Hindi ko kaya eh, ayoko, hindi pa ko handa. I also don't like the idea of her forcing herself to me after what happened years ago. I also knew that her husband is now blind"

"Dasurv!!!"

"Nung nalaman ko na genital yung brain tumor ng anak nila, kinakabahan ako, I thought I will also get it, pero sinabi naman ng grandparents na sa father side nung anak nila yun, kaya nakahinga ako ng maluwag." Sabi ko.

"How are your improvement so far?"

"Going good. Nightmares are gone kahit matulog ako mag-isa, I hope it's for good, minsan iniisip ko na pagod lang talaga ako at ang utak ko for those nightmares to appear, kaya siguro hindi sila nag a-appear sa panaginip ko, pero yun nga I am hoping na it's for good na. Ang hirap kasi na kada pipikit ako, nagrereplay sakin yung tragic memory na yun."

"Was there a time na gusto mo bumalik sa dati niyong bahay? Like to just scan it again and maybe para pakawalan rin yung mga bad memories dun like what you did in Palawan"

"Believe me I want to, but, I don't think I am ready to step foot in that place again"

"Advice ko lang, kapag naharap mo yung lugar na ayun, for sure, kakayanin mo narin na harapin sila. You're getting stronger each and every day" sabi ni Rosie

"Thanks for believing in me" I said.

After namin magrelax sa jacuzzi, nagparty party na kami, binuksan na ni Cindy yung dala nyang speaker and naglagay pa sila ng disco lights at nagpatugtog kami ng malakas and ayun naglasing na sila, di ako gaanong umiinom pero pinapantayan ko yung kulit nila.

Hanggang sa unti unti na silang ma-knock out sa sobrang kalasingan.

Of course I helped them na humiga na sa mga bed na andito sa suite namin, and I covered them with a comforter para di sila lamigin.

Nagbihis ako ng short at tshirt, tshirt pa nga ni Eli yung dala ko tapos high waisted short underneath.

Pumunta ako sa balcony at tumingin sa ulap habang nag-iisip at unti unti na umiinom ng wine sa baso ko.

I get my phone from my backpocket at nagdial tsaka tinapat sa tenga ko yung phone.

"I want to go to where my real darkness started"