seraphic [h.s]

chapter forty eight.

But when she did turn to look at me with those bright eyes that held a million emotions in one single glance, I could see the sparkle in them. I could tell it was new because it hadn't been there when I was around. She may not have been the same Mae that I once knew, but her eyes were. They were the same colour I remembered them as, the same hazel shade I had taught myself never to forget.

I was happy that she was happy.

In all of my hate, that had been the only positive thought to pass through. I wanted her to be happy, it hurt me to see that she was doing it all without me, that I was missing out on those moments. But then it felt good, because I was hurting and that was something I deserved.

This morning had been a fluke. I had only been in town for a week prior, and I hadn't tried to look for her once. I wanted to, I really wanted to. But it wasn't my business anymore. Why should I have to show up in her life and bring back all that pain I hoped she'd have forgotten by now.

I deserved the shitty life I lived, no one else had made it this way but me.

So when I noticed that deep fiery hair and those eyes, those eyes, I couldn't understand why something good had been given to me. She was there, in that café, with me. And I knew I didn't deserve to even look at her, to see her fresh face and full lips that I had once touched. If I had to choose my greatest fuck-up in life... losing her would be it.

Many nights I made myself replay those moments over and over, making sure I never forgot the way within a matter of seconds, I had fucked everything up. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, because I knew if I were to go back and live it all again, I would have still probably done the same. And not for any reason apart from the fact that I'd wanted the band life then. I'd wanted it so badly, I'd worked so hard for it, and so that was why I wouldn't have done anything differently because at the time, that was what I wanted.

It killed me to think I wanted that kind of life more than I wanted Mae. Even though they were completely different, when it came down to the choice, I'd chosen what I had, and there was no way I could go back. So I never let myself think of the alternative, of what would of happened if I had chosen her. I couldn't go back in time, and even if I could, it wouldn't have helped.

Mae stayed in my mind though, she always did, through it all. I think I liked to have her there to keep myself in check. To remind myself that I'd had her once, and that I couldn't really complain about anything since I'd been the cause of her absence.

Yeah, that was where I was at now.

So I couldn't believe the world had placed Mae right in front of me, right there in that café where I hadn't expected her, and she, seemed to not have expected me there either. I couldn't let the opportunity pass, even I knew I was on limited time when it came to her. Even if I'd stumbled on my words and completely blurted them, they'd come out nonetheless.

I was strangely suspicious with life from that point on, from the moment I'd left that café this morning and carried on with my day. I questioned absolutely everything. Every step, glance, feel, I didn't know what it all meant. And to be honest, I was scared of running into her again. Mae. Since when the fuck had I been scared of running into Mae.

I cringed at the thought of trying to tell her that I was on my own now, that I'd left the band almost a year after we'd left for Europe. It still bothered me to think that it hadn't taken very long for everything to turn to shit. Evie wasn't cut out for being the lead, or a nice person at that. Leon swam in the groupie life to the point where he'd sped up the music playing part just so he could get to the fucking part— literally. And Jett, she meant well, but she was a follower and ended up doing god knows what with Evie.