The show must go on

Chapter 1 - I don't feel good

Even Perrie. Even though she actually knew me better, could read me like a book. Even though she knew exactly how to crack my hard shell. She didn't. She left me alone. She gave me my space. She didn't offer me a shoulder to cry on. She didn't hug me every spare minute. Nothing was the same and it never would be again. Those days are gone, which Perrie makes abundantly clear. And that only made me feel sadder. So sad that sometimes it seemed unbearable.

And so I'm very surprised that I haven't felt anything in the last few days. Nothing at all. No anger, no sadness. Just pure tiredness and exhaustion. As soon as we have a few minutes break, as soon as a sofa in the backstage room is in sight, as soon as we get into the car, I already close my eyes and immediately fall asleep. Hoping to finally wake up refreshed, to finally be the happy, fun, bright Jade again. But every time I woke up after a nap, I felt even worse and even weaker than before.

The girls blamed it on jet lag, to which I quickly agreed. It was a logical explanation because I have always been prone to jet lag, was always very tired after long flights and slept at every opportunity. But usually jet lag only lasted for two, maximum three, days - at least for me. We are now in our fifth day in Los Angeles and instead I am getting more tired with every hour.

Then I blamed it on how much we've had to work lately, how much was actually on the schedule. Right now we're in Los Angeles promoting the new single and album. Meet and greets, interviews, one gig after another and there was no end in sight. We also planned to shoot the music video for one of the songs on the new album here in Los Angeles, for which we also had rehearsals. Then it was back to London to sort out the details of the tour in America. Two weeks of vocal rehearsals and dance rehearsals and organising until it's time to get on a plane back to Los Angeles and do a little tour along the Pacific coast, which we all can't believe is happening. The mere thought of it actually sends us all into ecstasy.

But even this just left me cold in the last few days. After the Vancouver show, we have the Brit Awards coming up with a performance and two nominations before we tour the east coast and close the American leg of the tour in Atlanta. Then we return to London for the Global Awards. And after a short break, the European leg follows.

The schedule is so full that sometimes I can hardly breathe and almost panic at the mere thought of all the upcoming dates. But I love Little Mix. This is my life, I live and breathe Little Mix. The girls, the band, the life as a popstar, everything the band stands for. Never would anything change that, never would I put myself above the band. And that's why I don't have time for heartbreak, I don't have time to mourn a lost love and a non-existent love, I can't afford to suffer from jet lag longer than usual or to be tired all the time. I can't just let myself down and become numb. Everyone would notice. The girls, the management and worst of all: the fans. And I can't let the fans down, I never could. So I've finally got to pull myself together.

We've been up since four in the morning. And of course I'm completely exhausted, I can hardly keep my eyes open and can't stop yawning. In front of the camera I don't let it show, in interviews I nod along laughing with the others, even tell anecdotes here and there. I simply cover up the tiredness. But I don't know how long I can keep it up today. We have been on the road for eleven hours and there is still no end in sight.

As we get into the car to drive to the next studio, I immediately close my eyes.