feelings.

Kpop- 05/05/22

I think I realized these days, I realized for the first time how kpop is important for me. How music is important for me. I mean yes I knew it already, I always said that they kept me alive and stuff, but I've never felt it before three days ago. I think that Chan was my trigger, he reminded me by breaking down how attached I felt to them. I'm scared of that. I'm not used to that feeling, I shouldn't feel it anyway. I'm too down to earth for that am I not? I think they really do keep me alive and that fucking scares me. I've never had a thing, a person, a yellow like everybody talks about on TikTok, I've never felt that way, nobody ever understood me. I mean even my best friend isn't capable of comforting me whenever I'm sad. I feel like everybody thinks of me as the leader, the confident one, the reassuring one, the one that finds solutions and yeah I'm like that, but that doesn't mean that when I'm sad I only search for solutions. I need someone to hug me, to tell me that I'll be okay, that the world is scary but that II can do it, I need someone to make the first move, to try to be my friend. I'm tired of being the leader. And I don't really understand why but I don't feel that way over Idols, I feel like they understand me, they tell me that I'm okay, that they're here, and that I can make it. But they're not real, in fact, they are but they don't feel like they are because I will probably never see them, I will probably never talk with them. I know they care about us but how can I be so attached to someone I don't know? Yeah, I do feel comfortable but I'm also terrified because I know that someday they will go back to their lives, that someday I'll grow out of it, just like they didn't exist.

Why am I always that frightened of being attached to people, why can't I just love? being happy? Can somebody please hug me? Can someone please like me? Can people be interested in me? Why am I always so lonely? Why am I scared of things that give me comfort? How death can't be the solution when I'm not capable of being willing to live? Why am I like this? And why was I born in the first place?

I just want that fucking bridge tattoo so I can remember that I don't have the right to jump just like Harry didn't have the right to do? But will I ever find my Louis? Cause without a Louis, how am I supposed to find hope again? Is there even a person on this planet that could be willing to be my Louis? Am I allowed to have a Louis?

But I'm not Harry, I'm not in a book, and I still don't have the right to jump off that fucking bridge because people are egoist, because life is supposed to be valuable, because I'm trying to help Nick and Nick is nearer Harry's character than I'll probably ever be. And that if I'm trying to help Nick is only because I'm an egoist myself. I just stay so I can please people, not because I want them happy, but because I don't want to feel guilty. But I sincerely hate life.