PSALMS OF DEPRIVATION

Fifteen: "UNDERCOVER FUCK BOY"

"So?" Jerney asked. "How did it go?"

I shot her a dejected thumbs down. Sign language for, "No dice."

"Yes! I knew it! I fucking knew it! Pay up!" Jerney rejoiced as she raised her arms victoriously, much to my chagrin. A broad had walked past us a few moments prior and Jerney and I made a bet on whether or not I'd be able to bag her. Needless to say I came up short. I took out a wrinkled twenty-dollar bill and gave it to Jerney. She hastily ripped it out of my hand before jamming it into her front pocket.

"You had me nervous for a second. I saw her take out her phone and thought you were getting her number. I was afraid I lost."

"Nah. She was just using her phone as a defense mechanism to get me to stop talking to her. I must have not gotten the hint fast enough though, so she resorted to old reliable as a back up."

"Let me guess," Jerney replied. "She told you she had a boyfriend?"

"That's the one."

"Yeah, she used two out of the three universal curves on you. She was trying to get out of there."

"What's the third one?" I asked.

"Claiming to be a dike."

I raised my eyebrows, smirked and shook my head in agreement. She was right. I'd heard that one before too. "Fuck that bitch," I muttered as I lit my cigarette, "She was ugly anyway." Of course this wasn't the case. But, as a guy, you had to say that sort of thing. As corny as it may be, it was all you had left to try and make yourself feel better about being rejected. I couldn't have cared less about the broad rejecting me, however. I was more pissed about losing the twenty bucks. Especially with Jerney being the recipient. She was a sore winner and I knew I'd never hear the end of it. She took extra enjoyment in my failures because it made her feel better about her own shortcomings.

"Don't be butt-hurt," Jerney began heckling me. "You were just on that bitch's top five minutes ago. Now she's ugly just because she turned you down. You men have the worst time dealing with rejection, I swear."

"Yeah, like you would know. You've never rejected a guy in your life..."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. You're just kinda loose, that's all."

"Suck my dick," she replied.

I finished my cigarette and Jerney and I began walking back home. Along the way we caught up to the broad I tried to bag. She was standing on the corner talking to some guy. They both had their phones out and were exchanging a lot of eye contact. A whole lot of smittened smiling going on between them. The guy looked like your typical fuck boy. A lot of flashy jewelry and tattoos dressed in a throwback basketball jersey. He also had a douchey white-boy haircut. That shit where the sides are buzzed off and the little man-bun ponytail thing sat on top.

"Hey Bud. Ain't that your boo over there?" Jerney asked sarcastically.

"Yup. That's her."

"Looks like that dude is getting her number. Guess she didn't have a boyfriend after all."

"I never thought she did," I replied.

"See, now that's a bitch who knows her worth. Look at him and look at you. That's what it takes to land a bitch like that. You can't just walk up to girls dressed like you and expect to have any success," Jerney informed me. I looked down at my clothes. Both of my Chuck's were torn on the sides, along with a bunch of stoned, psychobabble scribbled all over them in Sharpie. My jeans weren't too bad but you could definitely tell it was my third or fourth day in a row wearing them. And don't even get me started on my shirt. It used to be a white t-shirt but was now closer to being yellow. There were also a few coffee spills and two noticeable cigarette burns on it. Not to mention the deodorant stains. I looked a mess.