perf*ct (boy × boy) ✔

thirty-eight: something nobody else knows

solar clarke's pov:

I could tell something was bothering Nathan the moment I saw him walking out of the classroom, but it slipped off my mind when his face brightened with the joy of seeing me. I circled an arm around his shoulders and the contact made my skin tingle. It filled me with a dizzying, nearly sickening rush of emotions. 

If Nathan only knew what kind of an impact he had on me. If only he knew how down bad I was for him. Maybe he did, because it was written all over my face. I even opened the car door for him, my heart thinking before my brain could catch up with it. Sometimes the hopeless romantic side of me made me feel like a damn fool, but at least I earned another smile from Nathan. 

"I-I don't know if I ever thanked you, but.. Um." Nathan muttered, keeping his head angled towards the car window. "But you were right, I have dyslexia. A-and even if it's incurable, at least I can stop blaming myself for being dumb or lazy."

I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled at him encouragingly. We had talked about the tests and how they went, but Nathan hadn't mentioned the results earlier. Not that it was a surprise, and I was just so glad to know that he finally had it on paper. 

"So, thank you. You've helped me more than you know." Nathan glimpsed at me, heat rising to his cheeks. 

"You've done most of the work by yourself, I just helped a little." I winked at him, smiling. Then I added: "And you've helped me too."

"Me? Helped you? How?"

"Don't sound so surprised. Of course you've helped me." I wanted to say something about my temperament and how simply being around him made my anger cool down. Instead I said: "Well, for once, I might actually pass chemistry with flying colors."

°°°°

I was laying on my back on the oriental carpet in the living room. Nathan was laying right next to me, studying the patterns of the wood grains on the ceiling. The Beatles was playing quietly in the background and I hummed along while drawing circles on Nathan's arm with my fingertips. 

I rolled over to my side and leaned on my elbow while staring at Nathan, a content smile on my lips. I could have spent hours just staring at him, but I had something much more urgent to do. This time I didn't have to torture myself by thinking about kissing him when I could actually do it.

"Can I kiss you?" I cupped his cheek, brushing his temple with my thumb. Seeing how that made his breath hitch made my heart flutter.

"You don't have to ask every time." Nathan pointed out. When he tilted his head to look at me, his eyes looked almost unnaturally bright and blue. And he, just like me, couldn't stop smiling. 

Then I leaned closer, taking one last look at him before closing my eyes and bringing our lips together. My hand slipped on the nape of his neck while Nathan's hand ventured on the small of my back. The kiss was soft, lingering, and I never wanted it to end.

"God, you have no idea how long I've dreamed of doing this." I breathed. I didn't even give him a chance to answer before kissing him again.

"Mmh, took you long enough." Nathan hummed, his eyes closed and a small content smile dancing on his lips.

"Well, I had to wait until I was sure." I nudged his shoulder, turning over to lie on my back again. I took his hand, holding it tight.

"I was being p-pretty obvious about my feelings, though." Nathan pointed out.

"Huh? You were?" 

"I really thought you were the smart one." Nathan teased and when I started pouting, he quickly offered: "You can kiss me again."

And just like that I was smiling again. 

We didn't get any school work done, but I wasn't really planning on doing so either. I just wanted to be with Nathan, and it didn't matter if I had to stay up late because of it. We cuddled and kissed until our lips were swollen, but I still couldn't get enough. In fact, kissing Nathan was kind of addictive: the more I got to kiss him, the more I craved it.

Then, once we felt like we couldn't possibly keep kissing or our lips would drop off, we just laid there and stared at the ceiling. In the lack of a better word, everything was pretty damn perf*ct.

"Tell me something about you that no one else knows." I prompted then, tilting my chin down to look at Nathan. He was lying sideways, so that he could use my stomach as a pillow.

"I don't think it's p-possible to keep secrets in this town." Nathan chuckled.

"But there must be something, right?" I really wanted to get to know his world and the thought of knowing something about him that nobody else knew was intriguing.

"I don't know.." Nathan glanced at the ceiling, furrowing his brows.

"It can be anything."

"Anything?" Nathan grinned self-consciously and grew quiet for a while. "When I was younger, I heard this story of a girl who could make herself disappear if she concentrated hard enough. She thought about one limb at a time, willing it to fade away, until she felt like she was floating in the air. I got so obsessed with the idea that I spent night after night laying on my bed and trying to do the same."

I studied Nathan's face when he recalled the memory, and it made me kind of sad. I don't know why exactly, but it might have had something to do with the wistful look in his eyes or the tremulous tone he used.

"On the best nights I could make it feel like my toes disappeared, even my feet all the way to the ankles. I could make my fingers and forearms fade away as well, but I could never go further than that. I really wanted to make myself disappear, but no matter how much I tried, I could never do that. Every time it made me equally disappointed. I guess I just wished I could cease existing. Even for a moment." He shrugged then, letting out a small chuckle. "How morbid is that?"

"Let me guess, you weren't such a happy kid?" I asked instead, ruffling his hair.  

"Not exactly, no. Our dad, he.." Nathan pursed his lips together, as if deciding not to talk about it after all. Then the smile was back on his lips: "I want to know something you haven't told anyone."

"I'm afraid of ladybugs. For real, those little evils terrify the hell out of me." It wasn't much of a secret. "Every year I have the same nightmare where ladybugs just flood into my home and they swarm around me like a cloud.. ugh, it's terrible."

That made Nathan laugh and I joined the laughter, even if the mere thought of ladybugs truly was enough to make me shudder. Still, there was something else I wanted to tell him.

"You can tell me about your dad when you're ready." I assured Nathan. "And, you know, my family.. it's not perf*ct either. So I'm fine with whatever you tell about the "notorious" Dawson's family. I bet we all have some skeletons hidden in the closet."

"Some more than the others." Nathan looked up. At first his expression was grave, but then it softened and he asked, hesitantly: "Want to tell me about yours?"

"Not really." I chuckled, but ended up telling him anyway. 

How I had always wanted a little sister or brother, because my childhood had been lonely. How my parents let me do pretty much anything I wanted to do, but how I sometimes hoped they wouldn't have given me so much freedom. How I sometimes would have wanted them to guide me through all the important decisions I needed to make. How they worked so much they felt like strangers to me at times. How I knew my grandma better than I knew my parents, and how her memory of me was slipping away. 

When I stopped talking, Nathan kissed me again: "I'm sorry, that's the only way I could think of to make you feel better."

"Consider it working."

°°°°

I don't know about you, but I'm all about filler chapters. Not in a nothing-never-happens kind of way, but more like building the story low and steady. :) Also, I, who is writing a story about all the possible reasons not to be insecure, couldn't currently be more insecure about this story.. but oh well, at least I know what I'm writing about. :D