| Oedipussy |

Scene 4

[Choir Bitches 2-4 enter from one side of the stage, a few seconds later Choir Bitches 1 & 5 enter from the opposite side, holding Dairy Queen]

Choir Bitch 3:

What the fuck???? Steve, I thought you fucking died????

Choir Bitch 1:

Oh, no, I definitely did – Susan just went on an epic, overly dramatic quest to save me from the depths of the Underworld while you guys were on break.

Choir Bitch 3:

Great now I have to deal with four of you idiots again...

Choir Bitch 5:

ALSO WE BROUGHT DAIRY QUEEN

[Choir Bitch 5 holds up Dairy Queen, Choir Bitch 5 gives everyone except Choir Bitch 3 milkshake]

Choir Bitch 3:

And you didn't get me any?????

Choir Bitch 5:

No, you're a bitch

Choir Bitch 3:

Fuck all of you... [sighs] Let's just get on with this shit

Choir Bitch 2:

YOOO – Delphic rock, my dude, my bro, oracular voice intoned in a name, my buddy, my pal, etc. – who's the motherfucker who killed Laybus, man??? Mans needs to get the fuck outta here already. Like right fucking now.

Choir Bitch 4:

FURIES!!!! WHERE THE FUCK Y'ALL AT????? KILL THAT BITCH!!!!! I KNOW MOUNT PAMESAN SUS IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR BUT, LIKE, C'MON GUYS!!! AND YOU STILL OWE ME LIKE TWENTY BUCKS, JOSH

Choir Bitch 5:

[insert random shit]

Choir Bitch 1, 2, & 4:

[insert random chorus shit]

Choir Bitch 3:

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PULL THIS GODDAMN SHIT SUSAN

Choir Bitch 5:

I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT, SAMANTHA

Choir Bitch 3:

DO YOU *WANT* TO GET FIRED????

Choir Bitch 5:

WHO SAID YOU WERE THE FUCKING BOSS????

Choir Bitch 3:

JUST READ YOU FUCKING LINES ALREADY

Choir Bitch 5:

FINE [muttering] fucking bitch... TO THE BITCH OUT THERE THAT KILLED THE KING: I HOPE YOU STEP ON A LEGO!!!! ALSO I HONESTLY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS GONE BUT I'M REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED SO, UH, NEXT PERSON

Choir Bitch 3:

[looking really fucking pissed at Choir Bitch 5] why did I have to get stuck with these motherfucking idiots... It is a true tragedy, quarreling between the house of Labracadabra and the son of Polyamorous Bus. While this could give evidence to undermine the fame of Oedipussy, he seeks noble vengeance for the unsolved murder for the Labracadabra family. Though the gods are wise and understand all innerworkings of man, we know not if the prophets of man grasp their wisdom any more than another man. Though these prophets may be known as wise, I approve no man that opposes our king, for he is a true wise man. This we all know as true from all those years ago when he vanquished the winged Sphinx

Choir Bitch 1:

Um who the fuck said we agreed with him????

Choir Bitch 5:

Yeahhh... honestly screw this

Choir Bitch 2:

[in the background, faintly] wait... the Sphinx had fucking wings????

Choir Bitch 3:

JUST STICK TO THE GODDAMN SCRIPT, WHORES

[in the middle of the arguing, Choir Bitch 4 walks out quietly]

Choir Bitch 1:

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING SHIT, SAMANTHA!!!!

Choir Bitch 2:

[still faintly, in the background] I THOUGHT SHE WAS A FUCKING CAT THING????

Choir Bitch 3:

OH YEAH??? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?????

Choir Bitch 1:

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO – I'M LEAVING!!!! C'MON SUSAN – LET'S FUCKING GO

Choir Bitch 5:

FUCK YEAH!!!

Choir Bitch 2:

[slightly less faint, still in the background] WHO WAS GONNA TELL ME SHE HAD WINGS????

Choir Bitch 3:

YOU CAN'T LEAVE I'M FIRING YOU

Choir Bitch 1:

YOU CAN'T FIRE US WE ALREADY QUIT

Choir Bitch 5:

ALSO YOU'RE NOT THE FUCKING BOSS

Choir Bitch 3:

I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING AGAIN!!!!!

Choir Bitch 1:

FUCK YOU!!!! [brief pause] AND SCREW YOUR GODDAMN SCRIPT!!!

[Choir Bitch 1, throws up cue cards]

Choir Bitch 1:

[leaning towards Choir Bitch 5, whispering] Throw your cards in on the ground dramatically too

Choir Bitch 5:

[whispering] Oh, yeah, right [throwing cards in the air] SCREW YOUR GODDAMN SCRIPT

[Exit Choir Bitches 1 & 5, storming off in one direction]

Choir Bitch 3:

I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU BITCHES – YOU KNOW WHAT??? I'M DONE TOO

[Exit Choir Bitch 3, storming off in the opposite direction]

[Enter Choir Bitch 4]

Choir Bitch 4:

Uhh... where the fuck did everyone go???

Choir Bitch 2:

[no longer in the background] THE SPHINX HAD WINGS????

Choir Bitch 4:

[sighing] C'mon, Donald, we're going to McSocrates's

Choir Bitch 2:

Ooo – can I get a Philosophy Meal?

Choir Bitch 4:

[grabbing Choir Bitch 2 by the arm] Okay you'll get a Philosophy Meal... Let's just go...

[Exit Choir Bitches 2 & 4, Choir Bitch 2 being dragged by Choir Bitch 4]