| Oedipussy |

Scene 1

Oedipussy:

Listen up you bitch-ass children, born whenever the fuck you were born in Cadmus, why the fuck y'all sittin around with those motherfucking sticks. This whole GODDAMN town is full of shit. You little bitches, what the fuck is going on??? I - Oedipussy - got outta my GODDAMN bed, came out here at 6 a.m. in the FUCKIN morning to see what the fuck is going on. HEY – old bitch, tell me what the fuck happened – why're all these bitch-ass people standing outside of my house???

Priest:

Oedipussy, ruler of my native land, look at all these bitches, standing outside of your house like the dumb whores they are. Young whores, old whores, 50% off whores, some of them are unable to fly. There are also priest whores – 20 entire whores – I am Whore-Whore, Zeus' bitch. All these other bitches are young or some shit. There are also some other bitches at the shopping mall or something – idfk man. They also have sticks. And shrines, probably to Satan. Our city is fucking shit, she can't even raise her fucking head (wait what the fuck cities don't have heads????). Also, there's some Ismenus bitch he has fire prophecies or something, once again idfk man. Anyways there's, like, surging death and disease and shit and everyone's fuckin dying (also Hades is moaning and shit??? kinda kinky ngl). So now I'm out here with all these goddamn bitches doing whatever the hell I'm doing. C'mon you literally defeated that bitch-ass whore-faced titty-ass talentless asshat titty, the Sphinx, can't you do some shit about this??? So now, Oedipussy, our king, most bitchiest bitch in all bitch's eyes, do S O M E T H I N G, you useless motherfucker like listen to some heavenly bitch or get high on ye olde marijuana imeanwhat. Like, ngl man, you're being a bitch. Do something. For if you do not, you are the densest motherfucker in these lands. [drops mic that has somehow materialized in hand] Also, I think I'm supposed to say some weird-ass metaphor rn, but, uh, fuck that.

Oedipussy:

Oh boohoo, bitch – enough with the five hour long sob stories. I get the fucking point, man, you're people are dying and shit – aNYWAAAYSSSSS, I have WAYYYY bigger problems than any of you bitches. You guys have to worry about starving to death or having you children die – go cry about it, whores. I – Oedipussy – have to deal with ALL of you guys' bullshit. I've had to listen to your shit for WEEKS now. So, to shut all of you dumb whores up, I sent my brother-in-law, Crapbag, to that Python lady in Delphees so she can see the future or some shit. You know, speaking of that, where the fuck is that bitch?

Priest:

Wait – why the fuck did you wait until now ask what's wrong if you heard us this entire ti-

[Enter Crapbag, really fucking dramatically for no goddamn reason]

Crapbag:

GREETINGS, MOTHERFUCKERS – GUESS WHO'S BACK???

Oedipussy:

Crapbag, where the fuck were you – it's been like a week???

Crapbag:

Well, I saw a Dairy Queen and stopped there for like three days.

[Crapbag takes a sip of Dairy Queen milkshake, which he somehow has now]

Oedipussy:

WHAT THE FUCK MAN – YOU DIDN'T GET ME ANY?????

[Priest leans over and whispers to Oedipussy]

Oedipussy:

Oh shit – the plague – right. CRAPBAG, WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT SNAKE LADY SAY???

Crapbag:

Oh yeahhhhhh - Jenniferrrr. Uh, so anyways there's like a stain and we need to clean it.

Oedipussy:

Just call fuckin Mr. Clean or something – problem solved.

Crapbag:

It's not a real stain, dumbass. It's *metaphorical*

Oedipussy:

Man, fuck this. [under breath] Oracle of Delphi, more like Oracle of Bullshit.

Crapbag:

Anyways there's like a murderer on the loose and he killed the old king, Laybus [lowering voice] ya know... he's called Laybus because they say he once got laid by a bus

Oedipussy:

So, like, the fuck happened???

Crapbag:

I mean I don't know all the details but I'm pretty sure it was a little more than just a one-night sta-

Oedipussy:

ABOUT HIS DEATH, NOT THE BUS THING [lowering voice] tell me later tho

Crapbag:

Ohhhhh yeah rightttttt. So basically, he got killed by some robber bitches or something – idfk it's not like he was my brother-in-law or anything. [brief pause] Wait, fuck-

Oedipussy:

Okay???? So where are these bitches?????

Crapbag:

Apparently, they're right here, in Thee Hee.

Oedipussy:

[gasps] Then it seems that there's [dramatic pause] an imposter among us.

[among us drip remix plays faintly in the background]

Crapbag:

THIS IS THE FIFTH FUCKING TIME THIS WEEK THAT YOU MADE A GODDAMN AMONG US REFERENCE. OEDIPUSSY, I SWEAR TO FUCKING APOLLO-

Oedipussy:

Wait you haven't even seen me in a fucking week... Okay – where the fuck did this Laybitch die??

Crapbag:

I think he was going to see Jennifer – idk man I think they're having an affair ngl [raises eyebrows]

Oedipussy:

Crapbag, he's fucking dead, he died like 20 years ago, how tf can they be having an affair???

Crapbag:

They just can, okay, stop being such a sussy baka, Oedipussy. Anyyyyywaysssss you need to banish the bitch or whatever.

Oedipussy:

Um, why didn't you bitches just find him like 20 fucking years ago???

Crapbag:

OH I'M SORRY THE ENTIRE COUNTRY GOT ATTACKED BY SOME BITCH-ASS TALENTLESS CAT GIRL

Oedipussy:

Yeah, you fucking should be.

[awkward silence where everyone just stares at each other for like five seconds]

Crapbag:

Aren't you going to do something about this, Oedipussy????

Oedipussy:

What do I look like – the fucking king???? [brief pause] Fuck.

Crapbag:

So, should we, like, do something?

Oedipussy:

Yeah, probably. Wanna go inside and watch Ye Olde Netflix?

Crapbag:

Hell yeah.

[Oedipussy and Crapbag enter the palace]

Priest:

Damn, I guess we should go too. PACK YOUR BAGS, BITCHES – WE'RE LEAVING

[Priest and background bitches leave]