11/28 by uliaj06

three

FLASHBACK

junior year, December 26

"Are you back?" I ask hopefully.

"No. We're leaving tomorrow. We just came back for the week to visit my grandma." Tate mumbled.

We were at our spot, this huge field in his neighborhood we used to hang out in. We used to spend hours here. This was kind of our safe place. This big field that would go on for miles, surrounded by trees that helped us breathe when we felt like we were trapped or drowning. Sometimes, flowers would appear in the fields adding more color to the many shades of green.

We'd stay here for hours just to avoid going back home.

"You've been here for a week and you didn't think to tell me?!" I question with disbelief, my rage matching with the wind that blew my hair back.

"I wasn't thinking about you. Not everything's about you, Rowan. The world doesn't revolve around you." he says coldly.

"We've been best friends for eight years, Tate. Eight fucking years!" I yell desperately.

Tate started walking away.

"You didn't even tell me you were leaving." I say as I try to catch up to him. "You didn't even give me a warning. Do you have any idea how it feels to find out from your neighbor  that you were leaving for good?"

He stops walking.

"Tate, you were the only person I had.." Tears forming in my eyes. "I didn't even get to say goodbye."

He started walking again. What the hell?

I trying to catch up to him. "I didn't even get a note or a letter, or a call, or even a fucking text. I got nothing. You just left. You just left me." It feels like when you try to keep water in the palms of your hands, trying to hold on, but knowing defeat is inescapable as the water slips past your fingers. "Did you even know you were going to move?"

"Yeah."

"Then why didn't you-"

"Can you stop talking?" He cuts me off. "Your voice... it's giving me a headache."

My heart sank. Ouch.

"Can you just- can you just tell me why? Why you're leaving..." I beg hopelessly.

"My dad got offered a better position in New York. And he wants me to go to a better school."

"I mean we could still make this work; We can still keep in touch. I mean texting- texting is a thing, we can text each other. We can FaceTime, call each other?" I frantically say. "I mean you- you could visit for the holidays or when you can. You know, to see your grandma-"

"God, you can't take a fucking hint, can you? I don't want you in my life," he says coldly.

Who are you?

"You're never gonna be good enough to make anyone stay. You aren't. Good. enough."

I started shaking. He already left me, didn't he?

My best friend isn't the boy standing in front of me right now.

"I'm sorry... I don't know what I did. I don't know what I did wrong..." I say miserably, tears pouring down my cheeks.

"You're so pathetic, you know that? I understand why you hate yourself."

"Stop," I say, barely above a whisper.

"Why do you think your own family doesn't want you?"

"Please stop." more tears fall out as I'm struggling to breathe.

"You know... even your own brother.. would pick drugs over you." He said slowly.

He knows my brother is an addict.

He knows how much I care about my brother.

"And you know what's sad? No matter what your dad, or anyone for that matter, does to you... you'll still love them back regardless. No matter how much they make you cry, or mentally abuse you, you'll still love them. Because you're a weak, pathetic little bitch. You're a fucking embarrassment." He says emotionless.

I just stand there, staring at his face.

"Open your fucking eyes, Rowan!" Look around you! Don't you see how alone you are? And there's nobody to blame for that but you. How do you not see it? You're not good enough for anyone. You'll never be good enough. You're nothing."

I step closer to him, now only 2 inches away from his face. I stare into his green eyes for a moment. The eyes that once brought me comfort. Now I see anger and pain. I slap him across his left cheek as hard as I can, making sure to leave a mark.

"Who are you, Tate? Why are you doing this?! What did I do to make you hate me so much?!" I shout, my voice shaking.

"I already told you, Rowan. I'm not repeating myself." He says, sounding bored. "You never listen. You know, you talk too much? And I had to put up with it for 8 years. Everything always had to be about you." he says mockingly.

"That's not true. Can't you see how hard I try?"

"Well it's not good enough." He interrupts.

"Every single day I put people before me. I'm letting you push me around because I know you're hurting. I'd rather you take the pain out on me because I care about you, Tate! I'd rather you yell at me, insult me, abuse me, use me as your punching bag, just to forget whatever is going on right now. I'd do anything for you."

"God, you are so annoying."

He continues to insult me, over and over. Each insult is a piece of clothing. He rips them off one by one. I've never felt more exposed and bare.

"Are you done? " I ask staring at the ground.

"Yeah, I am." He says as he turns around and starts to walk away from me.

Wait.. no no no no no.

No. He can't leave me. Not again.

Before he can get any further, I sprint up to him. He continues to walk, so I grab his wrist with the strongest grip possible. But that doesn't stop him.

He continues to walk as if I'm not right behind him.

"Tate."

He walks faster.

"Tate!" I beg.

He keeps walking. He's too fast.

He grabs his keys from his pocket, almost at his car.

"Tate, please..." I say desperately to make him stop.

"Please don't leave me... Please..." I sob.

"Stay away from me. I don't want you in my life." He mutters as if I'm a stranger. It's easy for him to say this.

He shuts the door and drives away.

He's gone... He left me again. The pain is so overwhelming.

As my knees grow weaker, I fall to the ground.

I sit there sobbing. Feeling confused and hurt.

I'll try harder...