Blue Flames

Chapter 47

My lips twitched up. "You're not in the dog house, Amanda." I sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not myself these days. It's not your fault, it's just..."

"It kind of is," she said. "I didn't agree with Noah's plan. But... I should've pushed harder."

"No. I don't know if I should even be mad at Noah. He was just doing his job. I just..." I took a deep breath. "I don't really have the right to be mad at anyone. I've accepted Noah's help, that means I should be able to deal with whatever he throws my way with no complaints, including this plan of his."

My hand slowed on the blade I was cleaning. Speaking about the matter actually made it become clearer, it made me take a step back and see it objectively. It helped.

"I'm more mad at myself, I guess," I mumbled, casting a glance Charles' way. His focus was on the grounds below, but he was clearly listening.

I started putting the knives in the leather roll. Amanda stayed quiet for a few minutes, letting me work through my words in my brain.

I had always known that the risk of insanity was in my blood. But to actually live through it was a different matter altogether.

Uncle Robert had trained me strictly in hope that the discipline would help my self control. The fact that I had snapped and attacked a friend- and yes, in a way, Charles was a friend- made me feel as though I had disappointed uncle Robert, as if everything I'd been through did not matter in the end. As though my mother's sacrifice and uncle Robert's were in vain.

I was angry at myself for succumbing to insanity. And scared that I would do so again if a similar situation arose.

I was scared of myself. 

I couldn't trust myself any longer, and the only person I had been able to trust for almost all my life, up to recently, was me. Losing that shook me.

I gathered the roll and put it aside, then flattened my palms on the table. My fingernails were short and clear, as opposed to Amanda's pink painted ones.

"What if I never learn to control it?" I whispered under my breath, hoping Charles wouldn't hear.

Amanda covered my hands with her own and smiled at me. "Elle, you're one of the strongest people I know. I have faith in you. We all do. Hell, Noah expected you to snap the very first day he cut off blood from your regimen. Believe me, I've trained a good number of new vampires, and I'm giving you my opinion unbiased. You will overcome this. But you have to believe it, first."

I sighed and gave a reluctant nod.

"And what about Arthur?" she asked. My hands tensed under hers.

"What about him?" I asked.

"Did the two of you speak after what happened?"

I glanced at Charles again. Amanda looked back at him and said, "Charles, why don't you take a break?"

"I'm on guard duty," he replied without taking his eyes off the scenery below.

"I know." She rolled her eyes. "Just a few minutes. In exchange, I'll forgive you for the slap."

He shot her a scowl. "You asked me to hit you for real."

Shr shrugged. "Harvey is still pissed."

"I didn't even hit you that hard. Damn women..." Charles grumbled. He turned and left.

"Now," Amanda said with a grin. "We have some privacy. Although Charles will only last a few minutes before his paranoia gets the best of him and he'll come back running. What about Arthur?"