The Princess of Hell (Raf x Sulfus) /Angel's Friends fanfic/

Chapter 11 - What You Don't Know

*Raf's POV*

Sometimes it happened.

At such times, I thought I was going crazy.

Finally, I found a particular pattern about such moods. It wasn't random; indeed, it followed a distinct pattern which turned out to be regular. It was always about not having Sulfus around for way too long for me to take. You could call it a sort of abstinence, if you wished. The way your whole body and mind go crazy in frenzy, in a desperate attempt to get more from what made you fly to the sky in the past.

The interesting thing about such moods is that it mostly happened before I was ready to accept the truth. The truth that my love for Sulfus was never going to disappear, and that it was an indispensable part of me that nothing could take away from my being. At such times, I really thought that I would not be able to resist going straight into the devils' chambers to Sulfus' room. And I almost did it, actually. On several occasions. But reality hit me hard right before I was about to leave the angels' quarters.

And I would leave my abstinence eat me out until I would finally get control over myself.

It wasn't something easily noticeable. In fact, none of my friends ever noticed anything about it. They weren't even suspicious of something going on. I was able to stay calm, listen to their conversations and even take part in them without the slightest sign that there was something else that haunted my mind while being present in our room. It was so hidden from the world that even I myself was having a hard time noticing it.

In cases in which I had to spend almost all time while in "abstinence" with the girls, I tucked my feelings so deep inside of me that I myself came to question the existence of the state.

But it always came back, with no exception, when the lights were turned off and I was alone with the darkness only.

And this was often the time in which it went worse than ever.

And I felt as if I was trapped. With no opportunity for escape.

Nevertheless, I still longed for Sulfus' warmth. The prison couldn't take that from me.

In such times, Sulfus felt very far. And extremely close at the same time. Although he wasn't there physically, he was alive and kicking in my mind, and my soul was absorbed in the thought of him. The thought of him was a honey-like substance in my mind. It made my heart melt by a mere little memory of him.

I really got addicted to that feeling, even though it was a feeling which almost destroyed me whenever it got over me.

I wonder if it ever happened to him, too?

This state of mind wasn't something I would easily talk to him about, even now that everything is alright and I was basically almost his wife. Although we had promised each other (not directly, but whenever we locked eyes on each other) that we would always tell each other everything, anything and hide nothing at all from each other, I still couldn't completely open up to him on everything. Especially the part about my feelings. I don't know why, it's just that I had been keeping them in secret for such a long time that they had gotten used to staying inside the walls of my heart and they just didn't feel like going out. I guess they just liked to stay at home and watch TV.

Moreover, I wasn't really proud of what I was while secretly in love with Sulfus. It wasn't something I could talk about easily with him simply because it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing to reveal that what he thought about me spending my time back then had been everything but the truth. While he surely thought that I was peacefully living my life as an angel, seldomly thinking about him, it was in fact the total opposite. I was often so pissed off with my everyday life that I really thought I was going crazy. I even started thinking it over to go talk to professor Arkhan about my case.

But then I remembered that my love was against the rules and I hastily gave up on the idea. There was no way I could speak to professor Arkhan about it.

So I tucked this love inside myself for so long that it was no surprise it would burst into madness. The madness of risking it all to become a devil.

So that I could finally have the circumstances to love and be loved by him.