Still With You | BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) : A Sequel to 'Euphoria'

"Even If Many Nights Pass, I'll Be By Your Side..."

"넌 나의 운명
You're my fate
이따위 말로 설명할 순 없어
Such words cannot explain it
이 지친 나를 구한 구원
The salvation that saved me who was all worn out
이 말이 설명하기가 쉬울까
Would words like these be able to better describe it
나를 살린 그 한마디
The one phrase that saved me
많은 밤이 지나도 너의 곁에 나 있을게
Even if many nights pass, I'll be by your side
Oh yeah (그 한마디)
Oh yeah (the one phrase)
나의 발에 피 나도 너의 곁에 나 있음에
Even if my feet bleed, I'll be by your side, so
Please, you stay alive..."

Though it all; when I feel like I've pushed them too far, when I feel like we've reached the end, the bottom line, the end of this beautiful journey, they remind me that it's not just my choice to make; what they chose to do, how the chose to love, is not my decision. They make me aware that while I feel like I'm not good enough for them, that all I'm doing is hurting them, ruining them; i'm actually not but pushing them away because of my clouded mind is the part that's hurting them. I need to stop making decisions for them; I need to allow them to tell me how they feel and not just assume that they're automatically out just because my circumstances are horrible. And while I might not feel like i'm worthy of their love, if they decide they want to give it to me, I need to learn to accept it. They know what they want and they're adamant that I am that thing. I wipe the tears from my face and decide right there and then that I need to pick myself up and get through this with them, because doing it alone is just not helping me in anyway.

I let the song continue to loop while I look at the worn leather notebook sitting next to the computer, my fingers grazing over the words burned onto the cover. I look back at how I've treated them the last week and a half and I can't help but feel regret. I know they didn't deserve for me to push them away the way that I did. In the moment, the pain was too much to see rationally. And like every bad thing I've experienced since having them, I push them away because I feel like I'm unworthy. How does an orphaned girl with fears of commitment and extreme abandonment issues get lucky enough to have seven of the most compassionate, kind, caring, sweet, and selfless human beings in her life and not feel like she's completely fucking them up? But maybe I am selfish because I miss them; God do I miss them. I am ready to let them in while pushing away these feelings of unworthiness.

I open the notebook and turn the page to the entry from the day my mother passed; the day of the carnival that they so sweetly put together for us, for me and I didn't even get to enjoy it. I would love to find a way to make it up to them somehow. I look down at the page and graze my fingers against the page; to the edge of the page where a water spot has blurred a few of the words and my heart aches. Jungkook does a really good job of hiding his emotions in person when they're deep and require more than and I Love You, but when that man writes, he leaves his whole heart on the page. I start to read his letter and instantly feel an overwhelming amount of appreciation for Jeon Jungkook; how he hasn't given up on me is beyond every aspect of my imagination. My hand clings to my shirt on my chest as I try to breathe deeply as I read his beautiful words.

My Eleanor,
I will never know or pretend to understand how you feel right now; the pain you feel, the disappointment. I wish I could comfort you somehow. I wish I could take away every ounce of hurt you are feeling, I'd take it all because I love you. I can hear you; your sobs ring in my ears and it takes everything inside of me to not break that door down and take you in my arms to comfort you. But I won't because I know that there isn't anything I could do or say to help. So I'll stay here and I'll wait; I will wait until you're ready for the pieces of you that have broken need to be put back together. I will pick each piece up and help you put yourself together; put us back together. I will wait as long as it takes because you, Eleanor, are all I want in life. Our life together, is all I've ever dreamed of. I will wait for you; you just have to keep going. I know that your head is probably telling you that you don't deserve to be loved but you do and I'll tell you that you do until the air in my lungs is gone. I love you Eleanor;  forever. JJK.