Hades' Halls

Demonic Joviality

Hades sat chewing the end of a pen, eyes screwed as he assessed the report in front of him. Judging by the spelling and horrific use of semi-colons, this one had been written up by Vex, an empty-headed demon with an aptitude for painful bowel movements (Footnote 1).

The thinking behind the report, however ... well that had to be one of the others Hades had left in charge during his absence. Either Intolerance or Dastardly, both of whose parents had been a little too optimistic in the naming of their offspring. When pushed, Intolerance could cause mild cases of hay fever but stumbled at the rather more exciting reactions, while Dastardly tried very hard but would never be employee of the year material.

This made the trio perfect custodians of hell. Just enough brain cells between them to keep things ticking over nicely, but not enough for them to consider making any drastic changes to the running of things. Hades had spent a very very long time getting Hell just so – or as close to it as one can when their work force comprised of demons who are pretty good at the whole torturing thing but get a little muddled over paperwork – and he was damned if a brief spell on Earth was going to change that.

Leaving Vex, Intolerance and Dastardly in charge was, in Hades mind, like putting a chicken breast in the freezer; just pressing pause on things for a while in order to preserve and ensure there is still enough left for dinner next Wednesday when the in-laws come round. Not that Hades would ever have his in-laws over, Persephone would have to take him back for a start.

It was for this reason that Hades was surprised at the most recent report from down under. All the previous ones had been bland and unimaginative, the only changing aspect being the appendix's from Spike's mother containing knitting patterns and reminding him to wear sunblock and not walk down dark alleys. But this new one, Hades had realised, had a different ring to it. One got the impression that the demon behind it was 'chipper', not a word Hades would usually use to describe any demon – well, any demon who did not belong in a science lab; Spike remained a mystery. But stranger things happened at sea, or so Hades was told.

"Spike", Hades called, as he lathered cream onto a scone (Footnote 2). He had just heard his PA whistling down the hallway and wanted his opinion.

"Hiya, Gov", Spike said, popping his head through the door. "I was just about to do some hoovering. You don't mind do you?".

"No, no", Hades said, waving a hand in consent. "You hoover away, just wanted to ask you something".

"Oh", Spike looked taken aback. "Sure, go ahead".

"Have you ever known Vex to be in a good mood?"

Spike scrunched his nose in thought. "Vex Ghastlyson? Short fellow, big ears, face like a rotting marrow?"

Hades nodded.

"Can't say that I have to be honest Gov. He was in the year above me at school and was a particularly grim teenager, never really grew out of the phase come to think of it, probably why he did so well in his exams. Why do you ask?"

Hades pushed the report towards Spike who leant over and read the first line.

"Gosh, that's a lot of semi-colons", said Spike. "What, so Vex wrote this, you're saying? But, he sounds cheerful. Look at what he's written; splendid, top form, funny, there's even a smiley face."

"Where", said Hades, leaning over.

"See, that colon and the bracket next to each other."

"Oh", Hades squinted.

"It's text talk", said Spike like that meant something to Hades. "But why is he writing like this? It's deeply unprofessional."

"Quite", Hades agreed. "I was rather hoping you might have some insight. I don't suppose he was planning on proposing or anything. Maybe getting a new pet."

Spike puffed his cheeks in a sigh. "I don't think so. Maybe he was just having an off day when he wrote it, or someone hit him over the head pretty hard with a dictionary. Do you think it's something to worry about, Gov?"

Spike suddenly looked rather concerned and it was this which made Hades shake his head and take a nonchalant bite of scone.

"I shouldn't think so", Hades said. "I just thought it curious".

Saying it aloud helped to alleviate Hades feeling of unease. Of course, there was nothing to worry about. Hades was just missing his home comforts and the slow, unchanging routine of the underworld. It had been a hard twenty-four hours and it was making him imagine things which were not there. What he really needed was a hearty meal followed by a nap then perhaps a trip to a massage parlour to work out the stress gathering in his lower neck.

"That's good then", said Spike, standing. "I'm going to get back to the housework now. The living room is in a bit of a state".

"Ah", said Hades, feeling a little twinge of guilt. "Sorry about that."

"No worries, Gov", said Spike, and it was not for the first time Hades was glad the incident with his former PA had occurred. Had it not, he would never have been spent Spike.

Hades waved an absent-minded hand as Spike exited the room. Sliding down the back of his chair, Hades folded his hands across his stomach and closed his eyes.

'Just forty winks' he told himself. 'Then I'll start working on how to make those students behave'

Hades last thought before the blissful oblivion of sleep took him, was that if the reports continued to be written in such a jolly fashion, he would take a trip down and remind his demons who was boss. But this was a worse case scenario. Hades was rather enjoying his life on Earth, and Hell was, after all, so very far away from the living.

1. A small department, but important nonetheless. It had come second at the last Demonic Bi-Centenary Awards for most imaginative torture, defeated only by the Bathroom Utensils unit who had published a new manual detailing the wonderous uses of electric toothbrushes and rubber ducks. 

2. Anyonewho does not lather on their cream but rather scrapes it on sparingly like abodybuilder on a cut needs to get over themselves and live a little.