Morale Compass (ON HOLD)

Past and Present Run Together

The team started to filter in about 30 minutes before practice. I place my headphones over my ears to drown out the unnerving and compassionate looks I was receiving from the majority of the team. By the ten minute mark I had enough. I walked from the locker room to the field and grabbed a ball. I started with mindless ball handling just simply things like cuts, chops, step over, anything I could do at walking pace. My legs were burning but it was a good burn. The burn that made her wish she could take back her pleas of death, the longing to vanish from this barren lifestyle.

That's when my mind took over. What did Ali want. Did Ashlyn talk to Ali? Had she looked too deep. Why did she want to talk to the new me?

There were too many questions. All that I had no answers too.

Thankfully I was pulled from my spiraling thoughts as my teammates join me. I remove my head phones and set them on the ground next to my boot bag. "Clarke come here for a moment?" My Coach calls out.

I nod and jog towards him. "Ja Trainer?" (Yes coach)

"When did you arrive this morning?"

"ich weiß nicht. vielleicht 4. warum?" (i don't know. maybe 4. why?)

"Just wondering when you are going to stop actively trying to kill yourself."

"Es tut mir leid, Sir, ich glaube nicht, dass ich folge." (im sorry sir i dont think i follow.)

"You have been here since 4 am and it's now 2 in the afternoon. You've been at it for 8 hours and we haven't even had practice yet. Why?"

"wie ich aufgewachsen bin. ich trainiere gerne, also tue ich es oft. nichts mehr dazu." (just how i was raised. i like working out so i do it often. nothing more to it.)

"Okay well please just prioritize your rest so you don't overwork yourself."

"in Ordnung" (okay)

I turn and leave after being dismissed and head back to my teammates who have all started stretching. I silently join them before we meet Back up at the center circle to receive instruction from coach.

Today we are working on switches from all thirds to better capitalize on our chances.

The majority of practice is ran like a scrimmage with certain stopping and start points, everyone was gunning for my ankles and my temper was quickly flaring. By the end of practice I pull Tommy to the side.

"ich will eine Überweisung. Ich kann hier nicht weiterspielen." [ i want a transfer. i can't keep playing here.]

"I understand and Chelsea just reached out to me regarding both you and pernille. So if you want to leave just say so and you will be in England come next week."

"Ja" I say nodding.

"I'm sorry we failed you as a club. Have a good rest of your career Clarke." I nod and head into the locker room and text the ambassador that I'm heading to London. I quickly get a farewell text and him saying that we would still stay in constant communication. After showering and dressing in my suit. I walk across the stadium to grab my bike when I get an email about all of flight stuff and residency stuff regarding my move to London in a week.

I type a short replay and start packing up my clothes and personal items as I would fly to London come tomorrow, and pernille would join next week after her send off game. Once I pack up my three bags and a backpack I ship my three bags to the address listed on the email and drive towards the airport where my flight would leave later today.

The airport was hectic as I walk around trying to find my gate. After almost an hour I find my proper gate and take my seat scrolling through Twitter for the hour and half I had before my flight would board. After scrolling for about 30 minutes I come across maybe the worst and best news. It was Jessie Fleming smiling proudly holding up a Chelsea jersey with Emma Hayes. She would be coming to London permanently after the world cup in one month.