The Long Road to Recovery

Chapter Two:

When the movie ended, I got up from the couch, and headed upstairs. I had to lean against the wall when my parents were out of my view, because I got another dizzy spell. It's a weird thing. Sometimes I really like having them. They show that I'm doing something right, in a sort of way. It's like this eccentric feeling and this buzz goes through your body. Sometimes I only get a bit of my vision faded when I stand up, but sometimes my whole vision goes completely black. I've also had multiple times where I've fainted. I remember that one time at school where I was standing up from Social Studies in class, and then I felt my heart start pumping really fast. Then my vision, it went. Completely dark. Like a candle got lit out. It's not like I could have controlled it either. It just happens when it does. But yeah, I fainted. And I also scraped my knee, and had to go to the nurses office before I got picked up from my parents. The nurse watched me drink orange juice she gave me. I had to. Honestly, I don't get it. Why would anyone drink liquid calories? Such a stupid, pointless waste. You can drink anything low or zero calorie, and it could taste the exact same.

 Oh, and another thing they don't tell you about anorexia? You get hurt, really, really, easily. I don't know ifs because of my low blood pressure, or low overall energy caused by the malnutrition I was giving my body, but I have multiple bruises, scattered all over, along with my scrapes. Many have been there for months. Don't even know why. But yeah, it's not fun to sit on hard chairs, or do many things in general, because my bones just ache.    Everything hurts sometimes. But yeah, I think one of the worst things about all of this, is just the aching, numbness tiredness. I am tired, all the time. I can't even do high energy exercise, because I'm just too tired. Really. It's the collectiveness of the mood swings, utter deep depression, constant panic attacks about my body, just....everything. Sometimes I really ask myself, what in the hell am I doing. Really? I could be so much happier in general. 

I don't know. 

But it sort of feels like I've gotten so deep into this now, I can't exactly figure a way out. And it doesn't help with my parents. 

I know, I know, it's a good thing that they're making me eat and how they're so concerned about me, but in the realty, it's the opposite of what I want. I think I would have the courage and confidence to eat if I could pick what I want, and make my own damn decisions. Honestly, and it makes me so uncomfortable that they're always watching me. Just....fuck off already. 

I go up the stairs and turn on my computer. ED forums...check. I feel like I've read so many posts. I've been obseesed with anything related to it lately....Well no, this has been happening for years. I've countlessly rewatched certain movies and series, just to 'trigger' myself. I know, I know, it's stuipid. It really is. 

It's the forth of January. A couple of days after my birthday. God was 'Happy Birthday To you" awkward. I ate such an enormous piece of cake. I shudder. Then again, I'm leaving for Norway in four days. I already have most things packed, a passport, etc. I'm going to be there for three weeks. I know my parents are hesitant about my going. But apparently they know the family who's taking me in pretty well. I heard them talking about this last night. They would make sure to see if I was eating. I heard one of their daughters also had anorexia at my age. They have two daughters, and a son. Man, I bet that house was going to be pretty packed.... But at least I'm going to have more freedom.

 Also, seeing a bit of my past would be pretty cool. Well, I'm about 50% Norwegian, and 50% Mexican from my mother. So I don't exactly look like one of the other. You wouldn't exactly say I'm from a Latino decent if you saw me in public, but you couldn't 'really say I was white either. Man, it's also just hard being mixed. 

I turn on Netflix, and grab multiple blankets to try to warm myself. I was freezing. Well... Hah. When was I not, let's be honest. Honestly, if being cold wasn't a constant reminder of this illness, I would be positive I am going to stay like this forever. Right now... Let's say I'm still considering. I still have ways to go....With my appearance. I hate what the internet has done to me, the weights, the bmi's, everything. I put on Survivor, and even though this is rarely one of the times I'm not surfing the web online, sometimes its nice to just put on a movie because it passes the time so quickly. Halfway through my second episode, my mom comes in to tell me to eat. 

Sigh. 

Sigh. 

Sigh...