Saved by a loving heart.

Pt34 : The Vlog

Tubbo is just sitting on the ground eating a banana and just looking at the herd of cows.

"Hey Tubbo, do you mind if I come and sit with you?" I ask not sure if he was doing anything important.

"Yeah of course, and call me Toby, friends call me Toby."

I sit down next to Toby and watch a calf run towards what I presume to the the mother.

"Want a banana," Toby says pulling out another green tinted banana.

NO

"Um sure," oh fuck

"You don't have to, just thought I would offer."

"No, I'm hungry thanks."

NO

"Did you see the calf? They were being so cute before. Animals are great huh?" Toby says breaking the silence created by me and this banana.

"Yeah, they are better then most people to be honest," I say starting to peal the banana still mortified at the thought that I was about to eat it.

I look up from the banana to see the calf munching on grass and realized that if it can do it then I can so I take the first bite.

"Sorry I have to go back to the others, they are going to start the run down," Tubbo says getting up to head back to the others. As I see him walking walking away, I see Niki walking over.

Did you really compare your self to a cow and think that it was okay that you ate a banana. The you being a cow was just about right, but the thinking it was okay to eat the banana. Fucking pathetic.

I decide to wrap up the banana. It's right.

"The cows are cute huh?" Niki says coming to sit with me.

"Do you have that water?" I ask not really listening to her at all.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Give please."

Niki gives me the water and so I drink as much of it as I can in one breath, to try and wash away the disgusting feeling building up within me, get it out of me.

"Woah, calm down there," Niki says with a hint of concern in her voice when a quiet "oh" hits her lips as she sees the banana sitting in the dust with a bite taken out of it.

"Sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay," Niki says pulling me into a hug were it felt like we would never let go.

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Long time huh, sorry that it has been a while and I don't want to make any promises but my plan is to try and get a new pt out every fortnight or whenever I get a chance.

Hope everyone is doing well and that you are all staying safe, now here is my overly long block of text that will probably have many spelling errors in it in hopes that is can at least make some bodies house just that bit better :)

It's been hard for you, I know, and it makes me sad that you don't see yourself in the way I see you. Sometimes they are things in life that cause us to lose ourselves, and the way you have is so unimaginably painful. I miss your smile, the way your eyes light up the whole room just by the sound of your laughter. I miss the way you accepted the way you look in the mirror without cursing yourself out about how ugly you look. I miss the way you didn't think of yourself as a failure because everyone makes mistakes, we all have flaws and we all aren't perfect. It's painful to see that no one around you seems to see the pain through your eyes, but, stranger, I do, I see how heavy your heart is and how comforting the sadness for you might be, how afraid your heart is of happiness because it disappears in the end, right? You don't know how much impact you have in this world and it's sad to see that your demons fight against you and want to take over you. Because you do make change, it's something so simple and little that brightens up someone's whole world, it can be a small smile from your lips, the way you look at things you're passionate about, the way you make yourself eat even though it's been hard for you lately, the way you zoom out and go in your own world, you brighten up my world by reading this, it means a lot to me that you're here, existing, but I don't want you to just exist, you deserve to feel alive. You deserve to get up in the morning and feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel something- to feel every damn second alive in this lifetime. It's heartbreaking that you think you're not capable of being loved, because you are, I love you through all my words and I hope you let it happen in your heart. Love is scary, I know, maybe your heart has been broken once and since then you wanted to be rather numb than feel ever again, it hurts me how you punish yourself, does it not deserve love? Because YOU DO deserve love, please forgive yourself, it's not your fault that the demons want to take over your beautiful heart. You're not a bad person for distancing yourself from others, but you deserve someone to talk to, you deserve someone to listen to. I am listening, you can tell me what's wrong. It's everything, isn't it? There's something pulling your heartstrings on the ground and no one seems to understand how misunderstood you feel. It's heartbreaking to know that I am behind the screen and can't give you a hug, that's why I will give you a big warm virtual hug and send you lots of love :). You matter. You are worthy. You are loved. You deserve good things. You deserve someone to listen to. You deserve to eat and drink. You deserve to feel good and alive. You deserve to smile. You deserve a hug. You deserve to be all the things you want to be, because you deserve to have and feel good things happening to you and have a fulfilled life. I know I might not know you personally but I care about you so much. I write this because I want you to stay here with me. I want you to hold on a little longer because you matter so much to me, because I will not let you give up on yourself. I want you to see that you should not give up on yourself because you DESERVE GOOD THINGS. I want you to look back on the time when you were a kid, you didn't give up when you tried to swim for the first time, you didn't give up when you tired to walk for the first time and fell, you never gave up on yourself, you always kept on pushing forwards, so why can't you now? I know it's tiring, you're mentally tired, but don't your younger self deserve good things? look back at your eyes that used to be full of hope, look back on those dreams. Don't let yourself fall, you deserve better. We will both fight, I will fight for you. I won't let those demons get to you. You can hold on to me, I won't let you down :). Whenever you feel lonely, then look at the sky, I always look at it and think about you. Yes, you, because it makes me happy that there's someone looking right back, maybe we can't see each other but I can feel your presence here with me and that's enough for me, because I am glad your heart is beating and you're still fighting. You're so much stronger than you think, you didn't leave your spot on this earth even if you wanted to, you belong here, even though it doesn't feel like it, when you don't feel like belonging then build your own home here, put all your love in it and dreams. Think of you as a star when you feel alone, you shine because your heart is good, no matter what mistake you made, no matter about the past you had, you're one of the stars that shine bright in the universe because you're heart is beautiful, that's why the demons in your mind wants to have it. As one of the stars you see other stars, maybe they have felt the same way as you do at some point in their life, but they lighten up the universe with each other's presence. You're a star for me, maybe you don't see it yourself but I can see it, you're beautiful from inside and out, your body is beautiful the way it is. You make me happy by reading this, you make me feel something by your presence and when you can make me feel that way then you also make other people feel that way about you too. I hope you stay for yourself and don't let your story get written by others but by yourself, it's your story not theirs. As you can see, I say a lot of "I hope" because I have hope for you even if you don't have it for yourself, I see hope in you even though you might want to give up. That's why I hope you won't see the world in darkness and will see it colorful again. I hope I will give you a glimpse of hope and make the world you see a bit colorful for today. My favorite color is yellow, and I hope the next time you see the color yellow you will think about my words. If someone left you then don't blame yourself, don't think you weren't enough, don't lower yourself for someone who couldn't see the awesomeness in you. If you lost someone I am so sorry for your loss, they want you happy. I hope you don't feel guilty or regret because you were there, you spent enough time with them, they want you to be happy. They are in a good and safe place now. If someone broke your heart then I am so sorry that they couldn't see the way you look so beautiful because of the heart you have. Anyone who gets to be with you, doesn't know how fucking lucky he/ she/ they is :). If you aren't accepted at home or in general then I am so sorry that you have to deal with someone/ something you shouldn't be ashamed of. I accept you and support you. I accept you as a human being no matter what race, religion, nationality, skin color, or sexuality you have. You're safe here with me :). You're not useless, you're not a burden to anyone. You're not a problem, you're human and your feelings are valid. You're not being dramatic. Please don't starve yourself, you deserve food and to drink, I know it's hard. It hurts to see that you're in so much pain :( you deserve so much man, don't let your emotions control you. Don't let them get the best of you. I am sorry no one is noticing, I wish /hope I could take your pain away for today or even for a moment while you're reading this. If no one told you, I am so proud of you, you're reading this and it's enough for me to be proud of you because you're here and that's all that matters to me. If it's night for you, go to sleep, I know it's hard to fall asleep right now but you deserve a good sleep. If you have nightmares, please, don't let them fight you. If it's day for you, don't start it with such sad music. I know it's impossible to have a good day with such a mindset but take baby steps, start by drinking two cups of water everyday in the morning and so on.. You will start building little healthy habits. If it's evening for you, you're probably overwhelmed and stressed, I want you to know it's okay to feel the way you feel. You don't need to be scared, of course you're overwhelmed or stressed, I mean who wouldn't? But it's important to know that when you feel that way you should do a little self care, such as taking a bath for example? You deserve to feel at ease and relaxed. And if you are somewhere in between I hope you know that you're so strong for breathing despite the pain, I know you will make it :) I believe in you. All I want for you is to stay here, I really mean all my words, even if there are a lot of unsaid things I want to tell you and my text is getting longer and longer, I want you here. I hope one day your smile will become a genuine one where you don't need to fake it anymore, because I can't say this enough, you deserve a good smile and to feel alive. You're worth more than every fucking cent in this world. You can let go for today, I got you, you can cry your heart out as much as you want, but don't let it tear you down and let your emotions control you by giving up. Crying is not a weakness. If you still feel alone I dedicate a song as your friend. 

Daily reminder: Don't be sorry for making mistakes, life didn't come with instructions

You are amazing and the best you can be so I'm really glad you are you.

Remember that your body isn't paper, so don't cut it,

Remember your face isn't a mask, so don't hide it,

Remember that your size isn't a book, so don't judge it,

And most of all, your life isn't a film, so don't end it

You are beautiful just the way you are, don't ever change from who you are for others <3

I am so FUCKING proud of you, everyone reading this. You are doing great, you may not be feeling 100%, but you are giving 100% of what you do have.

I just want to say thank you. You guys, girls and anything in between are absolutly amazing and I love you.

I hope all of you are having a good day/night/ whatever time it is where you are.

Make sure you eat, drink some water, take your meds (if not already) and get some good sleep.

Even if you just try to eat or drink something, that is all that matters, that you tried.

You are AMAZING and never forget that.

Stay safe and remember that you are loved. ❤❤❤

(God that was too long, sorry)