I failed a test earlier, and here am I. Alone and with two bottles of soju. Hindi ko pa 'to nata-try na inumin, but with so much frustration I did. Without cups. Tinungga ko lang mula sa bote. And, my face bittered. Pero, dahil walang mapagbuhusan ng problema ay ininom ko pa rin.
"Damn, why my life's like this?" I said to myself, and stared ay phone. And saw my feed. Bungad sa akin ang mga pictures na pi-nost ni mom sa IG.
They looked so happy. They enjoyed their anniversary celebration without me. And she's hugging Hillary, which made my heart ached so much.
Walang pagdadalawang isip kong inubos ang laman ng soju. And frustratedly opened the other bottle. Walang pakialam kung malasing man ako o kung anong mangyayari sakin after this.
Natuon ang atensyon ko sa contacts, and saw Snow and Maine's number. But didn't dialed them. I know they're having good times, kaya hindi ko sila iistorbohin. I'll drink alone and will spend my time overthinking on how I'll waste myself today.
I think I needed it. Sa mga naranasan at nakita ko ba naman ngayon and even for the past days. My studies's pressure. My damn family. This damn Hillary.
Naiinis na ako.
But at the same time, I feel so empty. Kumpletong-kumpleto naman ang pamilya ko pero feeling ko mag-isa ako. My dad's pressuring me to pursue something I don't want. I choose what they want over my dreams. I gave up my dreams. And parang hindi naman nila nakikita ang efforts ko.
Always comparing me to someone I'll never be like. And I feel... useless. A black sheep. Nothing.
Inubos ko ang soju, at kumuha ng dalawa pa. Napapikit at napamura na lang nang makaramdam ng hapdi sa tiyan. Napahawak rito, at unti-unting naramdaman ang sakit ng ulo.
"Damn this life, damn," I feel like I wanna say those words, "Damn you Hillary. Damn you, dad, mom. I hate you all,"
Habang tumatagal ay lalo lang bumibigat ang nararamdaman ng dibdib ko. Muli kong natuon ang atensyon sa phone, and suddenly I saw my and Tim's chats. There, tears instantly fell.
I don't know why but I just let it.
I scrolled and scrolled. Unti-unting nagblu-blur ang paningin ko, yet managed to smile knowing that I'm seeing our chats. Hindi pa nga lang siya nag o-online ngayon. Busy siguro 'yon.
"Miss you, tim," I typed, kahit medyo nanlalabo ang paningin. And sent it. And waited until he replies but no. Wala siyang reply. Pero okay lang.
I drank and drank again until my eyes just fixed on someone. He's choosing something on the drinks section, na malapit lang mula sa table ko. Tinitigan ko lang ito, hanggang sa nakita ko na ang mukha niya.
Pero dahil nanlalabo pa rin ang tingin, I repeatedly wiped my eyes with my hands, and just stopped when that person's not a stranger. Not just anybody, but someone I know, and knew the most.
Damn, "Is that Tim?"
