Teach me to trust

48. True feelings

I step into the living room and watch as Nate stands still, head down and hands running through his unusually tousled hair.

"Nate" I begin, surprised when he shakes his head and drops himself on the couch, leaving me standing here, confused as to what to say to him.

"Do you have any idea?" he starts in a quiet voice, head lifting to look at me and I'm surprised to see obvious pain across his face, "Any idea, how I felt tonight. Getting a call from Sam to say you ran off into the toilets and didn't come back for over an hour?"

"An hour? I wasn't" the look he sends me is enough to shut me up,

"Yes, an hour. I couldn't get there fast enough. There was the fucking slowest driver in the world in front of me" I can't help the small laugh that escapes me, loving the way his eyes lighten slightly at the sound.

"I kept hitting all the red lights and my hands were fucking shaking. I thought something had happened to you and I wasn't there to help. Again" a wave of guilt washes over me and I take a tentative step towards him,

"And then" he laughs "You just pop your head out of the stall and say 'Hi' as if nothing's wrong. My mind was driving me insane with all the possibilities of what you could be feeling"

I take a seat next to him on the couch, far enough away that I'm not in his personal space,

"The first fucking night I let you out of my sight and this" he shakes his head again,

"I'm sorry" I whisper out, "I'm okay, really. I just needed a minute to myself, I didn't realise how long I was in there" he scoffs at my words and I can't help but rear my head back,

"You didn't think to text me? To maybe tell Sam you just needed a minute? In the hour you were sat in there you didn't once think that maybe you needed to let someone know that you were okay? Sam was freaking the fuck out when he called, but he didn't want to go in. thought it would be best if I came to talk to you"

"I appreciate you coming to get me. I didn't realise how long I was there" I repeat myself again, "I didn't mean to worry anyone"

"But you did worry us. I've been trying so hard to help you these last few days but I can't do anything if you don't talk to me" I can't help but roll my eyes at his words, glaringly obvious that he has no clue how much I've been dying to get out.

"What?" he bites out at my response, and I fail to keep my mouth shut.

"It's just" I sigh out, leaning back into the couch and staring at my hands that are knotted together on my lap, "I know you've been trying to help me, I do. I just-" I stop myself, not wanting to sound ungrateful for the effort he's been putting in.

"Nothing" I tell him, shaking my head and jumping slightly when he stands from his seat, pacing in front of me.

"You can't do this again" he begins, "You cannot shut me out again"

"I'm not shutting you out" I tell him, and he turns to look at me, scoffing and lifting his hands,

"You won't talk to me! What would you call that?"

"You don't need to shout at me" I tell him, "I know you're frustrated-"

"Frustrated? I'm not fucking frustrated. I'm pissed" he looks at me, "I need you to communicate with me"

"Okay. This works both ways though" I tell him, "Why have you been so adamant that you can't leave me on my own these past few days?"

His brows furrow,

"What? I haven't" I raise my brow at him in silent indignation,

"Yes you have. The only time you've left me alone is when I've gone into the bathroom. Even then I barely had ten minutes before you came knocking" I tell him, trying not to hurt his feelings but desperately needing him to know how suffocated it's made me feel.

"Would you rather me just leave you alone all the time? I just wanted to be there for you" he tells me, I can see his frustration rising.

"I know you did and I appreciate that, I really do. But there are other ways of doing it" I tell him gently, "You don't have to physically be around me at all times for me to know you're here for me"

He runs his hands through his hair,

"I don't" he takes a deep breath, "I don't know how to do that. I've been so worried after what happened I just don't know how to be there without being there" I wait patiently for him to finish,

'It just takes time. It's something we're both trying to learn" I tell him, "I'm just used to being independent-" my sentence is cut short when he lifts his hands in frustration.

"Exactly! You're so used to being independent you don't even realise how hard you make it for other people to help you. There is nothing wrong with asking for help" I feel the back of my neck warm,

"I don't always need help!" I yell out, standing to my feet, "Why are you so adamant that you need to help me? Do you think I'm weak?" and I know this is my past talking, that new fear of being weak for a man.

"Weak?" he laughs out, "You are probably one of the strongest women I know. You're just fucking frustrating"

"I'm frustrating? I've barely been able to piss in silence!"

"I just want to help!"

"Well why do you need to do it like that?!"

"Because I fucking love you"

My mouth is agape and I know I'm frozen where I stand. The look of surprise and slight horror on Nate's face lets me know he didn't mean to let that slip in such a way.

He loves me.

Both of us stand in silence for a few minutes, looking at each other and my heart thuds in my chest when Nate takes a small step away from me, heat rising up his neck and he clears his throat, turning away from me.

"If you need some space, I can stay in the spare room" I get the feeling he's mistaken my stunned silence as rejection and I reach out to grab his arm in my hand,

"Wait" I tell him, tightening my grip and watching as his shoulders tense, "Please wait" I beg, waiting for him to turn and look at me, sending him a relieved smile when his eyes meet mine.

"I'm sorry" I begin, cringing slightly when he winces, "No! no. Not sorry you love me" a blush rises over his cheeks when I acknowledge his confession.

"I'm sorry I didn't react in the best way. I was honestly surprised that you felt that way" his brows furrow as I talk, "I'm really not saying this in the best way" I laugh out, running my hand over my face and sighing. My nerves get the better of me and I start pacing.

"There's been this weird feeling in my chest the last few weeks and I've never been able to place it or understand what it meant. The way I feel around you is something that's so new to me and I never really wanted to think about it too much" he's watching me apprehensively, slight glimmer of hope on his face,

"But fuck me if you telling me you love me didn't make my heart feel like it was about to beat out of my chest" I laugh, looking over at him, "I realise now what all those looks you gave me were, and what this feeling in my chest has been. I fucking love you too"

He's frozen to the spot now;

"I'm sorry for seeming ungrateful for all you've tried to do these last few days, I know all you want to do is be there for me and it means the world to me. We just need to learn how to be there for each other in ways that we're both comfortable with"

I stand in front of him silently now, lip between my teeth and I barely have time to register that he's moved until he's pulling my face to his, kissing me hard and I lift my hands to rest on his chest.

He pulls away and tugs me into his chest by my waist, squeezing me tight before leaning back and looking down at me, grin across his face and I see his dimples carved into his cheeks.

"You love me?" he asks, breathless and I nod,

"I love you" my voice is giddy and I squeal when he lifts me off the ground, arms wrapped around my waist and a loud laugh coming from him.

He puts me back down and kisses me again, warm and sweet and I relish in how much lighter we both seem to feel now we've spoken our true feelings.

He loves me.