The Long Road to Recovery

Prologue

    I've read so many stories about people who's eating disorder was a short time thing. I mean, obviously, it's not always like that. But I've read so many articles or blogs online where it all happened and they lived their life as a happy ever after. That's not what happened at all for me. 

    I'm just going to say this now: The internet's a cruel place. A place for everyone, they say. A place for everything, too. When I was 11, I got my first computer. It was nice, I guess. Playing one of the first editions of Minecraft, and doing one of those old drawing apps whenever I was pretty bored. That was the life, then. But when I was almost 13, all of that changed. I was roaming around the internet, pretty bored. I searched up a key word though. "Thin." I mean, I was just bored. It wasn't anything criminal either. But then when the ending result loaded, I was shocked. Pictures of collarbones, ribs, and bony faces. It was unactual, scary. Why were they so thin? We were living in the 21st century, after all. I clicked on one. It was from a 'site.' But I then realized it wasn't some ordinary site that you could play games on. No. It was much more serious then that. 

    I think you already know what I'm talking about if you've read so far. It was a website for people. People with eating disorders. Everyone from any shape, or size. Anorexics, bulimics, whatever your little heart can settle on. There was even a whole gallery of pictures you could scroll on. There was also a chatting log. 

    And that chatting log, was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made in my life. Full of numbers, full of weights. But the worst part is, that they encourage others. The moment I had entered into the log, the whole chat went into a buzz. Like they were excited to meet a new person to tournament. I soon got pulled into their enticing spell, and started into that route. 

I was 12.

But that didn't stop me, no. But I'm not going to say that it started badly quickly. It's not like I started off with limiting myself to 300 calories right away. 

No, it was more like a diet. An experiment you might say. I guess I just wanted to know why that site was all dedicated to that. Why would you starve yourself on purpose, anyway? 

I then started buying all the magazines I could get my hands on. Pictures of bulky men with abs, or anything about that sort. People who were fit. People who were skinny. I guess just anything I could use as 'motivation.' But I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. 

I then started cutting down on calories. Working out more. Harmless, right? Not really. But it wasn't anything that bad yet. But then it did. Those people on the sites, kept motivating me. Kept giving me reasons. Tips. That harmless diet then turned into something more. I started counting. Counting the calories I would insume. The calories I would burn off. How much I would limit myself, and how I just couldn't go over that number. I just couldn't. 

I guess a lot of people might wonder why would you do this to yourself. Why would you voluntarily starve yourself. That's just no fun. Why would you do that? That hurts, right? That just about kills you. But I don't think they understand. You don't get the amount of satisfaction it all gives you. It's like you unlock a new part of your brain. A new part that you think so many people will never unlock. You think you're better then other people. After all, your since of control is so much better than the lot of them. You're superior, greater. 

Then it just keeps getting worse. That limit that you give yourself withers away by the daily. The scale that you barely ever been on when you were a kid is now a daily thing. A multiple type of day thing. You've got to be lower. Better. Superior. 

A lot of it is to prove to people that you're better than them. To prove to that stupid website that you can be better than those weights.  But a lot of it is also for yourself. You've just got to be thinner.