Divided

Jaron

I came from a family of racists , with a white mother from a southern conservative family ,my birth was the end of the god damn world .

How on earth did my mother pop out a light brown baby when she was married to a white man ?

That was the family mystery

My grandfather claimed that my mother was rapped by some dirty nigger and she never reported sparing herself from the shame of it all .

Which is a bunch of bullshit .

My mother cheated on her husband.

But the family couldn't have none of that .

I guess I was loved when I was younger even though I was raised by rednecks , from every since I could remember I would hear remarks like " it could have been worse Mabel he could have came out looking like a Damn Hersey bar " which was my grandfathers favorite line to say.

After I was born my mother didn't dare make the mistake to cheat again, my older brothers who are all pure white were my mothers favorite ,we were a "perfect " family but I was the eyesore and I believe knowing that I was a reminder that another dick was inside my mother was too much for my brothers dad to handle and he left my moms sorry ass .

I didn't really love my mama like these black boys be doing , she gave me a curse. She made me different from the rest of my family making me literally the black sheep of the family.

I be thinking that I could have been white if she wasn't a fucking whore sleeping around with every nigga she saw.

When I entered high school I tired to fill that longing of being white by dating only white girls even though I knew my ass is attracted to black girls.

It makes me sick really.

I hate dark skin people but

My mama passed down her disgusting taste for them.

There is this one girl who I just can't rip my eyes from, I've tried to deny it and fight that shit back but damn there's a attraction but every time I lay my eyes on her skin I feel such a deep disgust and hate .

Every time I see her she reminds me of the mixed emotions I have about my mother . The hate and the love that I feel for her.

I cry sometimes .

I'm not happy with myself . I'm attractive I get hoes , I'm popular, I have a lot of friends but that's not enough and won't mean nothing when I get home .

When I get home I'm battered by hateful words and shoved by the reminder that every time my mother looks at me there's a tiny glint of bitterness and regret that I'm alive .

When I look at her she's everything my mind hates but what my soul secretly craves for.

She has deep ebony skin , a big kinky curly Afro , a small board nose ,plump light brown lips and slightly light brown almond shaped eyes , the body of a queen . A smile so cute that when I see it my hands start to tingle

I hate her with a deep passion but I'm secretly madly in love but nobody will ever know .

What the fuck do I look like loving her in public ?

Sometimes I slip and look at her gently when she's not looking .

But I'm not like my mother

I can resist something when I want it and my hate for her is greater than my want .

And you hurt the people you love so she has to feel my pain.