Final Call for Mercy

68

Mom and Dad,

This letter is something I have debated writing for a long time. It's a goodbye. And the debate came in deciding whether out last meal together was enough goodbye. We had a good time, a better time than I've had lately. But something pushed me to write it because even though I've made peace with the goodbye, there are words left unsaid.

I love you both. From the moment I met you, I knew that you would become people I would do anything for. I know at first it didn't seem we would get to this point, but I've always loved you. You too are the people I can't lose. Even after losing Mateo, Gabriel, Veronica and Nicolas, I know I can't lose you two. You three. I vowed to protect you both a long time ago and that is one promise I never allowed myself to break.

I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing. For the harsh changes I've brought upon you both. By the time you're reading you must be on a plane to America or already situated in the house I bought you there. Know that I had Devina set this all up. You both have two separate bank accounts made up of the money I, Nicolas and Veronica had. Please, I beg you, follow the instructions Devina gave. Change your last names, forget your life of before. Lay low. Cops will be looking to make sure you three are really dead in that fire. I know things are hard right now and danger is everywhere while the world erupts in chaos, but don't make the same mistake again.

A long, long time ago I forgave you. For leaving me. I understand your reasons and your fears and understand how difficult it was on your end to leave me. But it was a mistake. I would have benefited from staying by your side. Emilio deserves better than I got.

Emilio has something we don't. All of us, the ones living and the ones dead, will always be followed by the trail of blood we left in our wake. Emilio has innocence. He has opportunity. He doesn't have a clue who his parents were, what his sister did, what his family has brought upon the world. He has the opportunity to live a good life, a long life, a safe life.

Money, power, control. None of it matters in the end. Because the end for us always come too fast and bloodier than ever. The horrors I've seen are something I never wish upon that child. Something I wish you don't subject him too. I asked Jason to take you into his territory and leave you nameless. I had asked him before to stay out of this conflict because a part of me suspected this outcome. Not the death, but the end. I had wished we'd be able to do it together, with Mat and Gabe, Vee and Nick, but it's the reality of our world that the worst is the default.

Before I left, before I sat down to write this, I made sure a plan was in motion to erase every trace of us. I made sure the life of every organization was extinguished. I admit, part of it was out of rage and grief. Nicolas' death broke me. It broke me in ways I don't wish to recover, because he was everything I wanted to live for. I don't wish to recover my past life without him by my side. I don't wish to face the reality without him by my side. But I also did it out of precaution. Out of desire to live a life where I didn't have to sleep with a gun below my pillow.

I wish that life for Emilio. I wish you give it to him. I hope he never has to experience being ripped away from those he loves in such a brutal way. I hope he never knows what it's like to be covered in the blood of a person you kill or love. I hope he never has sleepless nights where memories of your sins don't let you go.

I understand, Father, that it was the life you grew up in. But the life you were brought up in isn't a life. Not a worthy one. The life I lived wasn't a worthy one. Being on the brink of death every month isn't a life. 

I want Emilio to have everything I never did. A childhood full of smiles and naivety. I want him to find the one he loves and to marry them, to have children, to look back when he's old and think it was the most mundane and boring thing he's done. I want his adrenaline to come from roller coasters and movies, not car chases and bullet wounds. He deserves that much. You deserve that much. And I know I said I forgive you. I do. I always have. But a misdate is only a mistake if it's made once. Don't do it again. Don't bring him to danger. Live the mundane life.

Years ago, when you forced me into rehab, I was also forced into therapy by the institution. I always thought it was a load of shit. Still, there was one assignment the therapist gave that I did. She asked me to write the three things I want most in life. I told her I didn't know what I wanted from life. I wanted nothing at the time. I wanted a mouthful of pills. She then suggested I keep it in mind and when I realize what I want, I write about it.

I got out and kept it in my mind like she asked. But I also realized the first one had happened. The moment after Jonathan, Jessica and I killed Michael, while I was going to Sicily, I had decided to live. It's why I agreed to rehab in the first place. I was still angry, lost, half-suicidal, but a big enough part of me wanted to live. I wanted to see a light, I wanted to see an out, I wanted it desperately. So I wrote about it. 

The second was when the cops were taking me to the station, when the whole nine circle fiasco started. During that ride, I had realized I had successfully lived, but for what? I'd been going day by day simply for the wish to stay alive. To survive. It was at that moment that I had decided I wanted to give meaning to my life. To have a reason for why I'm here, a purpose.

The third was not long after. It was thanks to you, Dad. And it got solidified with you, Mom. When you and I spoke, after I got home from the station, Dad, you told me happiness was fleeting, and now I see it. It is. You told me that peace at the heart was worth striving for. Hearing those words, I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted to be at peace with myself and my life. And after Nick had died, Mom told me that it'd get better. That day by day was the way to go. To put one foot in front of the other. And she was right. I'll never get peace now. It'll never get better for me. But I want that desperately for you. I want for you to be at peace with who you become, with the boy you raise. Please.

I understand if you never tell him of me. I'd never tell a boy of me, either. The sister that massacred hundreds. I understand if you bury this life forever. You should. But, in the case you do tell him, or the truth comes to light, let it be a cautionary tale for him. For you both.

I'll leave this here, before the will to go through with everything starts going away. I love you both. I always will. You are the people that taught me love and loyalty. I was lost when you found me, and your love filled the gaping hole of my soul. You made me new. Without you, I'd have been worse. I could have lost everyone in the world, but you two were my limit. Losing you would have sent me over the edge, in far worse ways I already am.

Live the life you deserve. Give that beautiful kid the life he deserves. Be boring and ordinary and die old and happy. Peaceful. Meaningful. This is goodbye.

You were my beginning and through you I'll always live.

I adore you,

Anastasia

- THE END -