My Online Diary~♡

March 8th, 2022

Dear Journal-Chan,

Holy crud, it's been a while. Again, as expected, SO much has happened. I may or may not remember everything but I just needed a space to vent again.

It's been two years and COVID is still an issue. I'm still struggling a lot with my social anxiety and depression, but I have started therapy! I went to the doctor for the first time in years and found out my thyroid levels are worse so I have to take a higher dose of medication and I also have high cholesterol. And yeah my parents still dont understand my health conditions and just use my symptoms as ways to insult me. Some things will never change.

 So I went back and read a couple of entries and man that was an emotional roller coaster. I always think about the past, but I just want to be grateful for what I had and not try to go back to past times. I will just remember the good moments if I ever feel like life is so bad to the point where I don't want to live anymore (like today). 

I did get a new ps4 and finally started replaying persona 5 (royal) version. I got a job at a veterinary clinic. I didn't get into any of the schools I applied for and I"m too scared to tell my parents. I'm considering a career change, I want a mental health break from my job. My dog is going through something and I'm praying she gets better soon because I'm really stressed over it. 

Jocelin invited me out rollerblading and for dinner and it was super nice. I love my coworkers I just wish I wasn't so awkward. It's a work in progress and I hope my therapy will help me improve. I kinda have a crush on one of them but she's really close with other people and me being myself I feel like I'm not worth as much and a burden so I have a hard time talking to her in person even though I really want to. I pray this is something I can get better at.

My parents are still jerks who always get mad at me. Literally 99% of our conversations are them yelling at me about something. When will it end?

I'm also not friends with bott or Elliott anymore and basically my entire friend group ditched me because of one stupid incident. I'm sure future me won't forget it so I won't go into detail. It was all dumb as fuck and I can't believe Elliott had the audacity to tel me he doesn't know how to handle me and bott basically treats me like I'm a pedo just because I'm older than her. Great to know.

Me and Inky don't talk a lot anymore but I do think of her from time to time. I just don't want to talk to her a lot because I feel really awkward. I became a moderator on idv official and now have 4 badges haha, my past self would be super proud. I also talk a lot more to Rolend and have messaged Paul and Schmiddy and got mentioned on stream especially the thanksgiving stream which was my favorite of all. I also participated in b4u community day and it was so great esp when Leg and Paul complimented my hunter. I love B4U to death. 

I should really make a jar and fill it with good things/good memories for when I'm feeling down, just so I can read the notes and remind myself why life is worth living.

My laptop broke. I hope I can get my data.

Nikita's parents are assholes. They call me a "bad influence" when i had nothing to do with her decisions. Ugh.

I'm gonna try FaceTiming my friend Krinal tomorrow and kinda vent or use her as a distraction from my pathetic life. I've just been feeling really off today and almost wanted to give up hope. I think I cried way too many times today.

I really wanna stay at Rachel's house this weekend, I just need time away from my family. 

I still don't have a car even though I'm 22. Getting to work has been difficult. Luckily some coworkers offer me rides but I feel bad. OH and my parents still dont let me drink. I told my mom about alcohol and she just gets disappointed and thinks I'm an embarrassment to the family.

My grandma is trying to sell me off to marriage. She is guilt tripping me by saying she'll kill herself if i dont get married and I'm like dude dont say that to me. I dont like men, i dont want to get married. She kept saying she will look for someone for me and mentioned how she got married before college and how her sister got married in 7th grade and i was like LOL okay I don't care stop doing this shit to me I'm already stressed enough as it is, I don't need more problems.

Some days i feel like i have no friends or nobody to rely on. I dont have anybody who loves me. I always feel alone and depressed and I'm tired. I dont want to keep crying every night and i feel like my only salvations are all made up in my head. 

There's a lot of life im missing out on. I just need to get away and do something. Curse this damned anxiety always holding me back from being happy.

I had a lot more to say and in more detail but I can't remember it all right now and i kinda just wanna relax for a bit and watch this new show i started on Netflix.

Honestly life is so crappy rn I wanna give up on everything and become a serial killer or something. Like damn. What if i actually change my career and become a detective or FBI agent? That'd be kinda epic.

I will always love anime and buy merch. Even though I'm not as obsessed i still love danganronpa and i want to replay the games. I might start them tomorrow after work. 

Thankful to b4u for always making me smile, even if they aren't aware of it. They're my only salvation right now. 

I also need new anime to watch but i keep being picky.

Anyways I'm tired and have work in 7 hours so i should probably go to bed. I'll make a new entry or add to this one if i need to.

Signing off.