Returning Red

session 06/06

Lily chuckled. "You're late, Bee. I honestly thought you would figure it out sooner." 

"Oh, keep quiet." I said narrowing my eyes at her as I completely sit down. I kept my phone in between the three of us and I realized it was still recording. I open my brown book again and Katherine rolled her eyes. "Come on, I need to write, please." 

"Wait, this is your last therapy class. I still am your therapist." She snapped her fingers at me. 

"Mentor," I corrected her. "But I don't need therapy, see I'm all healed. I just want to know about you." 

"Yes, exactly," Katherine said as she laid down on her back and Lily followed. "That's the whole point, Bella, you never needed therapy. You were never weak or derailed even. You were just not yourself for a while. This was exactly what I wanted you to understand." 

I think about her words. Maybe I never needed the kind of therapy that others hunt for, but what Katherine did to me was a form of therapy and I badly needed that. I don't argue about this because I'd be wasting my time debating her with immaterial matters. Instead, I switch to the next question. 

"What do you fear?" I ask as I pull out a dandelion from the grass and I watch it. 

"I fear what everyone fears," Katherine whispered and I turned to her. "Death." 

I waited for a longer explanation but to my surprise, Katherine did give me a one-word answer. I gaped at her, not able to believe this. 

"And?" I nudge her. But she just looks at me and raises her eyebrows. "Why do you fear it?" 

"Maybe because it ends hope? There's no story after death. Death is too . . . perfect." She says and I scoff. 

"Did you just say death is too perfect?" I look stunned. 

"Yes. We humans are accustomed to imperfection because imperfection is what broods life. Trust me, you will never feel at home when everything's too perfect. Imperfection is what makes us feel safe and protected and gives us a hope for growth and refining. Perfection is where things are just dead. I never want to be perfect." She shook her head as she watched the moon. 

"But you are," I smiled. "You're a living perfection. I guess that makes you an exception to that theory."

She sat up, leaning on her elbows as she stared at me. "Are you aware that you are completely mad?" 

I chuckle immediately and nod. Lily puts her hand up showing a thumbs up sign and I roll my eyes at her. She begins to laugh as Katherine and her high-five each other. 

"Katherine Carlyle," I steady my voice. "Are you attached to me, or am I a habit to you or am I a wanting?" 

She instantly sits up and she hugs her knees. "Is this an interview question?" She raises an eyebrow at me and I nod with a shrug. "Then you're neither of those three." She shakes her head. 

I smile looking back at my book, trying my hardest to hide the hurt on my face. I gulp and I bite my lower lip as I stare at the next question. 

"What is--"

"I am neither attached to you, nor are you a habit or a wanting." She continues and I realize she's justifying it now. I sigh and look back at her. "Meeting you was not like meeting another new person with a new lifestory for me. Meeting you was like coming face-to-face with my past self. I was exactly like you, an overthinker, an overlover, an overprotector, a wild, crazy, smart, mad young woman." She bit her lower lip and I saw Katherine's eyes puddle with tears. "I see myself in you and I love it."

"But you said there's nothing called love?" I scrunched my eyebrows. 

"Oh," she sighed waving her hands in the air as she wiped a tear from her eyes. "I'm redefining some of my theories. You remind me of how different life can be. More than talking to you, you make me want to listen. I crave for your experiences because you're capable of doing anything." 

"Katherine," I breathe slowly and she closes her eyes. She takes in a quick breath and looks back at me. 

"Do you have another question?" She smiles. 

"Yes, I have one last question." I nod. She shrugs and I don't emphasize on this because I know she is not the kind of person who likes complimenting people loudly. "What is something that you'd like to tell everyone in this world." 

Lily got up too. She sat there watching the dandelion and I observed how keenly she was listening to our conversation. I wondered if Katherine brought her along or if she herself requested to come. 

"To the world, I don't know." Katherine said watching the sky. "But to my world, maybe I'd like to say," she took a deep breath, "For you to see beauty here, does not mean there is beauty in me, it means there is beauty rooted so deep within you, you can't help but see it everywhere." 

The silence between the three of us resonates the meaning of her verse. I look around us and in this very moment, I do. I see beauty everywhere. I see beauty dripping the corners of this place and in everything it embraces. I feel hands tug me and I turn to look down at Lily's hands coiled inside my arms. I pull her close and peck a kiss on her head as she leans on my shoulders. 

"Milkshake?" Katherine asked as she stood up looking at her phone. 

"You brought milkshakes?" Lily whipped her head up. 

Katherine laughed. "No, but there is this place just 200 meters away." She turned her phone around to show us a Shake Shop location. 

"Uh, but we just got here mom," Lily whined. "I don't want to leave just yet." 

"Okay, why don't you two wait here and I quickly drive there and get some?" Katherine suggested and Lily clapped her hands. 

"No, actually, let's all go together after some time?" I asked because I knew Katherine was in the vibe to talk and I didn't want to break it. 

Immediately Lily pouted and that was our cue to stick with the plan that Katherine offered. Katherine pulled out her car keys. "Flavors, girls?" 

"Vanilla," Lily and I both yell at the same time. 

Katherine burst out laughing. "Alright, vanilla girls. Three vanilla shakes coming up in ten minutes." 

Katherine walks back to the car and she quickly sits inside. I see her lower her window and I catch her watching me. "Bye, girls." She yells. 

"Bye Mom," Lily yells back grinning. 

"Bye Mom," I yell too and I see Katherine freeze in her seat. It takes a moment for her to register and I take a peek to catch her smiling at the steering. I smile too. She catches me looking at her but her smile widens more. I know she's going to bring it up once she gets the shakes. The car drives off the narrow path and I look back at the trees.

Lily nudges close to me and I quickly turn the voice recording on my phone off. I slip my phone back into my brown bag and I sigh, this moment is so beautiful. After a long time, I feel like myself. Smiling, messing around and finally so happy. I wrap my hand around Lily as I pull her closer to me. 

. . .

[edited]