ravaged hearts

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR,

  "Sometimes," she interrupted, turning to stare at him, "I wonder what would have happened if we'd never gone on that mission together. If I'd been there alone, of course, because if you were the only one there Diane Akhatova would have already killed you and there would be no today."

  He winced. "Harsh."

  "But the truth, which both of us know." Io lowered her head, tucking her chin in. "We might still be friends."

  "We could be friends," he reminded quietly. "I won't force you, but I won't act like I don't want to make amends."

  "That's not happening."

  "Why are you so scared of letting people close?" he demanded. "I fucked up. I get it. But I don't want my one mistake to impact your life forever. I don't want you to shut yourself off forever just because I messed up. Let me carry the consequences not you this was not your fault—"

  "I wish the world worked that way, Louis!" she twirled around, face contorted with rage, despair and frustration. The three mixed together was the picture of a girl who'd lost everything before and tried so hard to gain it all back. She hadn't. Not yet. Never could. But she did a damned good job pretending she had and she wasn't going to give up the facade just because Louis Sanchez asked her to. The days of her listening to him were over. Long ago.

  She avoided him because he made her feel young again, naive again, hopeful again. Because those were the ways she'd gotten hurt in the past and she didn't want it to happen once more. Because she had responsibility now and if something happened to her people around her would be affected.

  She'd been selfish enough in the past nine months, running away. It was time to take on what she'd run from and pick up her roles and positions once more.

  "It was my fault," Louis repeated mutely. "My fault. Let me carry the burden."

  "No, no," Io shook her head, bitter laughter spilling out of her mouth. "It was my fault. I was a fool to trust you."

  "I let you down."

  "I let myself down," Io hissed. "I was stupid to rely on you or anyone else and please. Just stop." She was on the verge of tears. He didn't have to know that. She did not spend years blaming herself, resculpting and rebuilding herself for it to come down to this. She couldn't go back. That was a death sentence. She knew that.

"Io—"

"Attachments are a mistake. If you create a bond with someone so strong it'll kill you if they go away, you've made a mistake, Louis. That was me with you. And that's why we're having this conversation now."

  "You still have friends, so your argument is—"

  "Nothing as close as you were to me!" Io yelled those words, clenching her fists and shaking in a fit of fury. "You think you hurt me? You did. You broke me, Louis. You fucking broke me. I gave my best years to you and you wasted them all. Wasted them all! Wo de qing yi dou cuo fu le, ming bai ma? Cuo fu le!"

  The room fell into silence. All those years of love and care were all wrongly given. Io unclenched her fists, standing up straight. "Sometimes I like to imagine what would have happened if I'd never met you."

  "I'm sure you do," he agreed, nodding. "I can't blame you."

  "You don't, and that's the worst part. Why can't you just hate me? Why can't I just hate you?"

  "I don't know," Louis whispered. "I don't know, Io. Do you want to hate me?"

  "Yes," she admitted, sinking back onto her bed. "Yes, I do. I really, really want to hate you. I wish I hated you every night."