What Once I Was

Chapter 23- The Truth About That Night

"I don't like it. It's yucky mummy."

Wendy, who had started washing the dishes, turned. Soap spuds dripped from her yellow marigolds. They crinkled and snapped against her wrist as she started to remove them. Naomi, arms folded across her chest, lips pouted, watched her every move. Wendy took the plate, pushing it back across the table so that it was once more in front of her daughter. 

"Eat your lunch. I'm not making you something else. You have this all the time. Stop being a spoilt brat and just eat."

"But it's yucky." Naomi protested, shoving the plate again.

Tomato sauce slopped over the side, landing with a drip onto the table cloth. One of Wendy's hands gripped Naomi's upper arm, nails pinching into the skin. With the other she prised the child's mouth open, forcing a forkful of food in. She ignored Naomi's wails, holding a hand over the child's mouth so she had no choice but to chew and swallow. Chew and swallow. Over and over. Naomi gagged, body jerking forward as she tried to fight from her mother's grip. 

"Don't you dare! Silly girl. You be sick and I'll make you eat that too!"

Naomi cried. She wanted her daddy. Her face hurt, her neck from Wendy pushing back on it, her arm. She wanted mummy to stop. The food felt funny in her mouth. Kicking her legs out, she tried to break free. She didn't mean to hit mummy. She didn't like making mummy angry. Mummy was very angry. 

"How dare you kick me! You stupid, stupid, stupid girl." With each stupid  Wendy's palm connected with Naomi's cheek. 

Her tears, hot on her stinging cheek, flooded relentlessly. Mummy always hurt her. Always called her a stupid girl. Naomi didn't know what a stupid girl was exactly, she would look in mummy's bedroom mirror, t-shirt pulled above her naval just as she'd seen mummy doing on many occasions. Was a stupid girl someone who had a big tummy? Mummy told her all the time that her tummy was too big, that no-one would love her if she didn't have a tummy like mummy had. Naomi wasn't sure she was entirely right. Daddy loved Naomi. Even with her big tummy, he loved her very much. He never called her fat. He'd tickle her stomach until she wriggled about screeching. She loved that.

Bleurgh. Naomi had tried hard, really hard, not to be sick. Wendy jumped back trying to avoid the vomit before it landed on her favourite jumper. Naomi sobbed. She could see the anger on mummy's face before the hands clawed at her dress, lifting her off her feet and throwing her into the hallway. 

"You disgusting pig! You did that on purpose! Get the fuck out of my sight!"

There was no hug to console the little girl, no words of comfort. Just a door slamming shut, leaving her alone, sore and frightened. With sick clinging to her hair, she hugged herself and trudged up the stairs. In the solitude of her room, she could feel safe until daddy came back.

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Naomi loved her room, with its pastel pink walls and canopy bed that she and daddy had built together. A small white toy chest sat at the end of her bed, teddies sat lopsided on its lid. Perhaps her favourite area of her bedroom was the little reading corner where she would snuggle up on her daddy's lap, head in his shoulder, listening to the soft hum of his voice a0s he read whatever book she demanded that day. His heart would beat beneath her cheek, his warmth filling her while her eyes fluttered shut. She always slept better when daddy was home.

A small box on top of her shelf houses beautiful ribbons to wrap around the dresses that hide her bruises. When mummy is especially angry, she strokes the soft material and cries into the night, her stomach rumbling, throat sore from vomiting up whatever food is forced through pried lips. 

Jumping onto her bed, she pulled the stuffed rabbit with frazzled fur into her chest. It smelt like daddy. He had told her he'd got the rabbit especially for her, so that it could keep her safe from nightmares when daddy wasn't there to save her. 

Memories of daddy's departure the week prior melded into her mind. The sound of her feet dragging on the floor as his suitcase drops by the door rang in her ears. She'd clung to his legs, tears streaming. He'd held her close, his smell embracing her nostrils, not quite understanding his daughter's distress. 

"Please don't go daddy. Stay here with me and mummy. I need you daddy."

He'd kissed her forehead, promising her he would see her in no time. Telling her to be a good girl for mummy. His MiMi. His perfect little girl. Then he left. Without turning back, suitcase clanging down the steps until it rolled across the gravelled path, wheels sticking just enough that he had to tug it free. 

Heavy eyelids fluttered shut, carrying her fragile body to a subconscious sanctuary. In her dreams, she was safe. Her body and mind unscathed from vicious hands and toxic words. In a world untouched by anger, she could fly and shout as loud as she wanted. Daddy would be there to push her higher and higher on a swing until they had to stop, hold their knees and pant, faces red as they laughed. She could sit at a table and eat anything she wanted, even ice cream sundaes. She could be free. 

"Naomi."

A soft voice echoed in the distance. Doves danced above her, sun shining down illuminating her golden hair. Crickets sang a melody with nightingales. She smiled, prancing through wildflowers towards the woman calling out to her. Cool water kissed her feet, rising to her shins as she waded further out until she reached the other side. The grass was greener here, flowers more luscious. 

"Naomi."

Everything halted. Birds fell from the sky, rain poured, thunder boomed. Flowers wilted at her feet. The voice was louder now. Her subconscious sobbed, chasing after a butterfly whose colour faded with each flap of its wings. 

"Daddy!" 

The ground shook beneath her, soil splitting in two. Fire roared and spat. She was tumbling. Tumbling. Tumbling.

"Naomi! Wake up, you're having a nightmare."

Her clothes were soaked, stuck to her skin, a mixture of urine and sweat. Mummy would be cross. She blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. It was dark outside. Mummy sat next to her, coat and hat on. Lunging forward, Naomi wrapped her arms around mummy's waist. 

"There, there. You're alright now."

Naomi liked it when mummy stroked her hair, when she was calm like this. She loved this mummy.

"Get you're coat on. We're going on a special adventure, just the two of us."