What Once I Was

Chapter 21- Robert

"It's okay, Mr Collins. I understand this is hard. Take your time."

No amount of time in the world could ever prepare me to say these words aloud. 

"It says that my wife killed her. All this time, she let me believe our daughter was out there and she knew. She knew where she was!"

I relay word for word what I'd read, the officer's face unreadable as I do. When the words are finally out of my mouth, floating in the space between us, I gasp for breath. I'm going to be sick. I must have been green because the female officer hands me my bottle of water with a knowing glance.

"What did you do next, Mr Collins?"

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I took the book and the scan photo, leaving the mess behind. I didn't care that Wendy would know that I'd invaded her space. The room was closing in on me and I just needed to get out. The girl who thought she was Naomi, she had a right to know the truth. I know I should have come here first, but I wanted her to hear it all from me before she saw it in the papers or wherever else she might hear it from. I'd phoned her, explaining I had something important to tell her. She was just thankful, I think, to have heard from me again so soon.

We met at the same cafe, though this time I had no appetite. I let her eat first. She said she'd not long got off a night shift at the local hospital. Who would believe it? My daughter, a doctor! I don't think I could swell more with pride. I'd watched the confusion spread across her face as she took in the scan photo that I had shown her first.

"So I'm not Naomi?"

I shook my head, laying my hand on top of hers.

"No, but that doesn't mean you're not my daughter. I'm so sorry. If I had known about any of this, I would have found you. I would never have let you grow up without me. If I could get back those years we've missed out on, I would do it in a heartbeat."

She nodded, her eyes never leaving the picture in her hand.

"So where is Naomi?"

I took a deep breath before handing over the notebook; the page marked clearly with a receipt I'd found in my car.

"Brace yourself. It's difficult to read. I'm so sorry Jules."

Her face contorted, hand over her mouth as she took in the blue words before her. The same look of horror that I'm sure was on my face just hours before, spreads across hers. We said nothing. I watched as tears slipped down her cheek, landing on the table. I wanted to reach a hand out, to stroke them away, but felt better of it.

"What do we do now?"

The question floated between us. I hadn't thought any further than telling Jules what I'd found. I knew the right thing was to bring everything to the police, but what if it wasn't enough? She'd written briefly about the ways she'd hurt Naomi. Little pinches here, a slap there. The real reason for the bruises she had convinced me were common. Children being children, she had said. It had been under my nose that entire time and I had failed my daughter. I had failed them both.

"I get hold of my medical records. Thank god my doctors are quick with this sort of thing. Then I take all of this to the police. She won't get away with this, I promise. She's caused too much pain for too many people."

Jules nodded, finally lifting her gaze to meet mine. I see all that I'd once loved in Wendy in the youthful, kind face. I see who Naomi could have been had it not been for unjust jealousy and anger.

"I'm coming with you." She promises, gently squeezing my hand.

It took all my strength not to break then and there. I told myself not to imagine the life we could have shared, the birthdays we could have celebrated. I told myself not to think about the graduation ceremony Wendy stole from me. From Jules. The future she stole from Naomi. I couldn't let myself think about any of it. Nothing I could do could turn back the clock, would bring me both of my girls. I could only think forward. Could do nothing more than make sure they got the justice they deserved and made as many memories with Jules as she and the time I had left would allow.

"When this is all over, I want to show you Naomi's things. You can take anything you want. I know it isn't much, but I hope it can bring you some comfort, can help you feel close to her."

She smiled softly as she nodded. I just prayed that when this was all over, Jules would want to get to know the old man in front of her. She might never call me dad. I understood and respected that. Another man had raised her and loved her when it had not been possible for me to do so. But I was - am - willing to do anything to make up for lost time, willing to be whoever she wanted to call me.

I told her to go home. To get some rest. I promised her I would do nothing until she was ready. Besides, I still had to get my records. I was sceptical, unsure whether any of you would believe me. I'm thankful to you both. It isn't easy to admit to anyone that your wife is abusive, that you've lived in fear of your life for longer than you can remember. The signs were there all the time. I just didn't see them. I beg you, please make sure Naomi's murder doesn't go unpunished. My little girl deserves so much more than that. Do what you need to do, to make sure justice is served. Please.