Returning Red

session 02/06

She held my hands in hers and she rubbed them, making my hand warm. I look at her, tears puddled up in my eyes. I bite my lip as I take one strong breath and look up, trying to get past the entire memory. "It was perfect, you know? My life in Frankfurt was perfect. For a short time, everything just fit like a puzzle and it only lasted that long before I went and--"

"Exactly my point," she squeezed my hands. "Why did you cut ties with every one of them?" 

"There was the guilt, the drama, the distance," I whispered. 

"Did they tell you they'd find it difficult to handle any of it?" She asked me and I shook my head. "Did they tell you that they couldn't be friends with you because you are a magnet to bad things or because you're going to be so far?" I shook my head again and a tear slipped from my eyes. "Then who thought it would be difficult?" 

"I did," I nodded. "I thought I won't be able to handle it. I thought they were better off without me and I was right." 

"Bella," her voice was soft and low. "Did you cut ties to protect them or to protect yourself?" 

I covered my face with my hands. My eyes were burning as I closed them. "I don't know anymore." 

"You were being self-protective." She immediately defended me. "And it's okay to put yourself first. It's okay to defend your emotions and be concerned about your health. It's perfectly okay. But you would have felt a lot better if you'd just spoken to them before deciding that." 

I shook my head almost immediately, "They wouldn't have let me do this if I'd told them." 

"How do you know? How do you even know that?" She made me look at her. "How can you decide that for someone when you haven't even asked them? For all you know, they could've been supportive. They could've helped you do it better. They would've been there for you. But you will never know the answer to that because you never asked them. You never gave them a chance to tell you what they want. You assumed and you concluded. You took their decision, which was unfair for them."  

"I can't change that now," I sobbed looking at my hand. 

"No, you cannot. But you can learn from that, right?" She caressed my hand. "You know, my husband came to me one night and told me he had cheated on me and he was embarrassed. Lily was hardly a year old. And he said he almost felt like going away because he felt so ashamed of it and that he was scared. Do you know what I did?" 

I frowned, "You forgave him?" 

"Exactly. I forgave him because he mattered to me more than that mistake. I had a choice to make. I could either hold a grudge against him and despise him for the rest of my life and raise Lily as a single parent, or I could forgive the one mistake he is feeling so ashamed of, give him another chance and give myself another shot at a perfect family. The latter seemed happier, more like me and I did. I went with my instincts and we're a happy family today. Lily has a complete, happy family and I am proud of him and myself for making that decision."

"Do you think they'll forgive me?" I wiped my tears. "Do you think they'll take me back if I go to them?" 

"I don't know, Bella," she smiled. "But if you don't try, you will never know either. If you did matter to them more than the mistake you made, then maybe you can have your perfect life again." 

"If not?" I closed my eyes, sighing loudly. 

"If not, you'll at least have closure." She smiled. 

I don't know if I am ready to confront them yet. I don't know when I will ever be but as Katherine said, I'll never know if I don't try. I wipe my tears and I enjoy the silence with her. I want more time with her. I want to stay with her all the time. She has so much wisdom and knowledge and it all makes sense which all the more makes her even more interesting. 

"Katherine," I whisper and she turns to me, "Do you believe in love?" 

She laughed loudly, letting her head fall back and then fall front. "I knew you wouldn't let that go," she shook her head, still chuckling. I shrugged, with a small smile. "No, actually. I don't believe in love. Rather, I believe you can only love yourself. I'll tell you why," she took a deep breath and now I faced her. "Love for me is that feeling you get when you cannot live without that person or that thing. You cannot fall in love with anyone. When you say you're in love, you don't love that person or that thing. You love who you become when you're around that person and you confuse it with being in love with that person. You think you're falling in love with them but you're actually falling in love with yourself, a new version of you which that person is bringing out. Love, what's love? We have all got the definition wrong. Love is the feeling of not being able to live without something. And this I mean on a serious note, not metaphorically. And the only person you can love, or in other words, you cannot live without is yourself. You can live without anyone else but not yourself. No matter who accompanied you through the thicks and thins of your life, it's you who faced it all in the end. It was only you in the starting line and it's only going to be you at the finishing end."

"Huh," I scoff as I let her perspective sink. "Then what is it that people feel when they say they're in love?" 

"When you say you're in love, it's one of these three things. It's either an attachment, a habit, or a wanting. You think you love someone but that just means you are either very attached to this person, or that person has become your habit or there is something that you want from that person." She shrugged, glancing at her watch. 

Her perspective actually makes me question everyone and everything that I have ever loved in life. Were they an attachment, a habit, or a wanting? Or worse, was everything and everyone I ever loved an attachment, a habit, and a wanting all three together?  

"Well, it's been a lovely session, Miss Cosmo. I will be seeing you next week." She clapped her hands and I wanted to stay a little longer. 

"Extra 30 minutes, please?" I begin to ask her and she's already kneeling down beginning to roll her mat. 

"Nope, I don't want you getting attached to me, or making me a habit, or wanting that extra 30 minutes." She smirked. "Get up and roll that blue mat of yours." 

"Uh," I whine as I begin to roll my mat. 

I hand it over to her and she swiftly places them in the cabin, coming out with a jacket and her bag hanging over her shoulder. She locks the doors of the terrace and we slowly climb down the stairs. 

"Why am I so free around you?" I wonder loudly. 

"Make a note of it and ask me in our next session." She chirped almost immediately. 

"Uh, Katherine, can you talk normally with me?" I nag. 

"That will be your question number two." 

"If I pay extra, can I get extra time?" I tail behind her. 

"Question number three," 

"Katherine, please?" 

"Question number four." 

"Ugh."

. . .

[edited]