Returning Red

session 02/06

"Life." 

"Tree,"

"House,"

"Panic Attacks,"

"Guitar,"

"Harvard,"

"Um, lonely," I sighed.

"Babies,"

"Uh, irritation," 

"Bella, that's rude," She narrowed her eyes at me.

"I'm sorry, you told me not to overthink it," I said immediately. 

She watched me for two seconds and shrugged. "Huh, fair. Okay, mom," 

"Dad," 

"Dad,"

"Far,"

"Friends," And I just watched the sky. "Friends?" Katherine repeated and I began to think and still, I was blank.

"I got nothing," I shook my head. 

"Tears," 

"Emotions,"

"Love," and I grew silent again. "Love, Bella," she repeated and I sat up, shaking my head. 

I turned to her and she sat up too. "I don't k-know--I'm blank. I'm totally blank." 

I bit my lip looking down at my knee. Everywhere that I stumbled is where my problems start and end. And some answers even shocked me. I never would've told that if I thought deeply about it. 

"Hey, you did well." She patted my back and smiled. "The first time someone did this to me, I hardly answered 5 questions before storming out." 

"Why?" I was appalled. 

"Because I had issues and I was not ready to sort them out. People are different on the outside and are the complete opposite on the inside. You might think one is sorted, confident and so strong but you'd never know what they've been through in life. The first time I saw you, I thought of you as a smart, matured individual who is just spoilt in today's world." She told me. 

"I'm not smart and mature?" I narrow my eyes at her now.

She laughs now as she slowly hits my head. "No, you dumb girl, you are smart, mature, and far from spoilt. You are wounded, and I'm not going to say the choices you made were either right or wrong because I'm no one to judge your actions but I am going to say that those choices are responsible for who you are today. Be it good or be it bad, you only have yourself to blame." She takes a deep breath and she watches the sky, "And Bella, this is the most important thing I'm going to say to you, and please remember it for as long as you live; you cannot be responsible for anybody's choice just the way they cannot be for yours."

I look away as the memories of every time that I blamed myself surpassed my mind. Every time I took the responsibility thinking I could have solved it but entirely what Katherine said has been my problem for a very long time. It's like she's been with me throughout my life. Her words are so aptly crafted, that it speaks to my inner conscience. 

"I know you have too much guilt built inside of you. And because you told me your past, I can put two and two together and tell you that you are not at all over Frankfurt. You are not over Austin and you are going to be miserable if you don't accept it now. Pretending you are okay can only take you so far, I'm surprised you tagged it along for four years but it's time to just accept it now. In order for you to move on or let go, you need to accept the situation. If you don't want to talk to them, it's fine. You don't want to go visit them, it's perfectly okay. I'm not telling you to get over him or them, I want you to get over it. I want you to get over the incident of you cutting ties and stepping into a new life."