Our journey

Scared

Jack's POV

Friday 6:00 a.m.

I'm still a bit sleepy since I haven't slept much during the night, I could sleep longer but I won't, I have to prepare lunch for Jethro so he can bring it to work.
I slowly walk to the fridge and notice that there's a post-it sticked on it, I read it:

"Good morning love,
little reminder that you are
beautiful and I love you so
much"

I smile slightly as I finish reading it, I guess he sticks the post-its before going to bed and well, today I woke up before him and he still didn't leave for work means that he'll be able to tell me good morning without a post-it.
I open the fridge and take some things then I start cooking.

*30 minutes later*

I finish cooking and put the food in the lunchbox then I wash my hands and put some things back in the fridge.
I feel his arms around my waist, he kisses me on the cheek and I smile slightly.

"Good morning honey" I say as I keep smiling.

"Good morning, why you're already here?" he asks.

"Wanted to prepare lunch for you so you can bring it at work and well...you should actually eat something, coffee doesn't count as a meal. I'm sorry that I said this and that I probably ruined your life" I chuckle slightly and turn around to look at him.

"Yeah, yeah, funny" he says and rolls his eyes "Anyway I'll probably come back at home later than usual" he says and once again these words hit me, usually he already comes back at home late...I don't know if I can keep handling everything on my own...

"Ok..." I say and I try my best to hold back the tears.

He kisses me, a short kiss, his arms around me and a feeling of relief but everything ends when he takes the lunchbox and goes out of the kitchen then, after some minutes, the sound of the front door closing...I heard that sound so many times but it never made me feel as bad as I'm feeling right now, emptiness.
All of a sudden I fall on my knees as if my body doesn't have strength anymore, I press my palms on the floor in a vain attempt to support myself, I perceive the cold of the floor.
I slowly let myself fall on the floor as I burst into tears and start trembling, my vision gets blurry and I can barely see the things that surround me, I try to yell Jethro's name but not even a sound comes out of my mouth...but what's the point of it? He couldn't hear my voice anyway, he's not here...most important do I really want him to see me in these conditions? Crying on the floor while trembling, for sure not a good thing to see, a red and blotchy face, bloodshot eyes...no, no, I don't want him to see me like this!

After some time spent on the floor I finally find the strength to get up and decide to go in the bathroom since staying on the floor isn't the best thing and I don't want to risk that Jethro's father sees me like this.
Once I get in the bathroom and close the door behind myself, I look at the mirror.
I see myself...a "me" that I don't recognize...the traces that some tears that are still slipping down my cheeks are leaving...
I see the image of someone almost completely broken who's letting the emotions take too much control, who lost control because of little things that to her seem so big...

"Life is also this, suffering...are you really living if you don't suffer?"

A voice inside my head, words from the past...
I wash my face, cold water that somehow brings some sort of relief then I take my phone, should I call someone? I think about it for some minutes and then I decide to call Grace, I put the phone near my ear...I don't know why but at some point I hope that she doesn't answer..

"Hi Jack" a voice from the other side says.

"Hi Grace" unfortunately I can't take a step back now, I can't just end the call...I start regretting this.