BHAD BITCHES

Confession

Thoughts rushed through my mind that kept me from falling asleep. Was this the night I had figured myself out? I had a crush on a guy at the start of the year so I know I was not a lesbian. But I also had a brief gay panic episode from baseball a couple of months ago. I don't know how to explain it but during the game this girl threw the ball directly to me. It was so powerful that it took my breath away. I don't know what it was but for a month I think I liked her just from that. And were all those 'obsessions' over 3 different girls in high school actually crushes? Now this... I think I was starting to like Darcy. Was I finally coming to terms with the fact that I might be bi?

I snapchatted the BHAD BITCHES chat at 2am saying "maybe I'm bi y'all idk lol". The next day they interrogated me on it but I didn't say much and left for a scheduled zoom meeting.

For the next couple of weeks I noticed that Darcy was low-key avoiding me and our interactions were awkward as hell. I wasn't the awkward one this time. It was getting to the point that it was so unbearably uncomfortable. I knew she knew that I liked her.

I wrote to her on a Snapchat "Maybe I like you idk, but lately things have been really awkward between us and my like for you is lessening. I know imma regret sending this but pls don't be awkward" or something like that. It took 10 minutes for me to gain the courage to send it whilst hiding in my room. When I finally sent it I threw my phone across the room.

I heard my phone buzz and I could feel my heart thumping out of my chest. When I opened the snap it said "I know I kinda figured. Sorry but I don't feel the same way. I hope you understand that this is how I feel and.. " I don't remember the rest. But when I opened the snap my head felt like it had been zapped by lightning that had zigzagged throughout all the separate lines in my brain. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before, was I having a stroke? When I recovered I sent back: "I know, just wanted to let you know and please don't be awkward."

Later that night I needed to pee so I peered out my door to see if there was anyone there and then bolted to the toilet and bolted back. I don't think I would have survived if I saw Darcy right then.

The next day I woke up feeling great. I've never confessed to anyone before let alone a girl and even though I was rejected I felt good. I couldn't really explain it but I felt refreshed. I told Sarah about it and she made me feel better too. That arvo Darcy came in after work and it was like nothing had even happened. The awkwardness had gone and we were back at it with the banter. I was confused at how she could switch up so fast but okay cool get it I guess.

I had thought that now I've confessed I would get over her quickly, that I'd stop liking her from today. But I was wrong. The feelings didn't go away.