My Worst Fear (Book 2 of JAF series)

Chapter 7 Crashing Down

Hunter called off his tour, promising to do one later in the year. It's like the whole world came crashing down in one afternoon. We wait in my hospital room, I'm scheduled to go under in 20 minutes. I rest my hand on my stomach... 11 weeks early. It scares me so much, one chance for a child, our only hope.

"So Andrew and Timothy?" I blink back tears.

"The one who comes out first is Andrew." Hunter agrees.

"Okay." I whisper through clenched teeth.

They aren't doing anything more than removing the babies. Chance of infection, blood pressure, risk of contamination, there are too many factors. In a small way I am glad, birth control gives me the feeling of an option. Even if going against that option could mean my death, it is mine to make. A couple nurses come in to wheel me away. I reach out and take Hunter's hand as he reaches for mine. Kelsey comes up behind Hunter and pulls him back.

"I love you." I give him a little half smile.

"Never leave me." He replies, and I see tears in his eyes. He's scared to death of losing me.

"Never." I promise, I will fight if I have to, I am not dying on the table. I wish he could just hold me, remind me why everything's going to be okay.

"I love you."

I hold onto those words, they still ring in my ears as I drift off. Then there's nothing.

.....

"Andi?" The same voice I was replaying in my thoughts pops into my head, my eyes flicker open. Everything seems surreal, louder than it should. I blink several times before Hunter's face comes into view. "Andi!" Hunter leans down and kisses me lightly but urgently.

I try to talk but my mouth feels like it's stuffed with cotton and I don't feel strong enough to move, not even my face.

"Shh, babe. It's okay." I see tears drip down his face. "We thought we were going to lose you."

"B-baby?" I push out the word. It hurts and I close my eyes for a second to compose myself.

Hunter looks off to the side, I am vaguely aware of him playing with a piece of my hair. "Timothy Elton Hayes is in the ICU... he's alive."

I start laughing and crying all at the same time, the ache is almost overwhelming but I don't care. No, I don't care one bit. Hunter bends over and places his forehead to mine. I can see the tiredness in his eyes, I see relief, I see love. I know he must see the mirrored emotions in my own.

Soon after I drift off to sleep again, my hand still holding Hunter's.

.....

One week. He lived, breathed, cried for one week... or at least I am assuming he cried. I only saw him once, I wasn't able to touch him, or hold him in my arms. How do you plan funerals for two infants you never even got to know?

For the following week every time I think of them I burst into tears. My parents come, we hold a small ceremony. The day is bright and sunny, not a single cloud in the sky. Just Hunter's family, mine, and our closest friends.

'Timothy Elton Hayes' and 'Andrew Joshua Hayes' what would they have looked like? Who would they have become?

Kennedy rushes through the front door when we get home, blocking Cole from jumping on me as Hunter helps me into the house. Kelsey offered to drive mom and dad to the airport and I am grateful. Besides, being around Kennedy makes me feel better, I don't know why. Hunter helps me take off my coat and I don't argue. I am still recovering from surgery and the doctor said it might take longer because of the grief piled on top of the pain.

I wipe away a tear on Hunter's cheek as he helps take off my black shoes. He looks up at me and I can barely meet his gaze, too much pain. He reaches out and grabs me, hugging me close. "I didn't lose you." He reminds both of us. I squeeze hard, trying to find comfort. We still have each other.

"Ani'?" A timid voice asks. I sniff and turn to look.

"Yes Kennedy?"

"C'n I haf sum soup?"

"Of course baby." I push off of Hunter to stand. It's completely different, suddenly not having to be worried about your mobility, having the ability to get up and tie your own shoes, see your own feet, although it's still slow in going. As long as I don't remember what I've lost I can handle it.

The house is quiet, no sounds other than pots and pans clanging and Kennedy drawing at the table.

I don't know where Hunter's gone but once I have Kennedy fed I settle her down in the living room and I load up two mugs, Hunter nor myself have eaten all day. I start my search, 10 minutes later I am almost convinced he left when the back yard patio light flicks on.

I step outside carefully, balancing the cups.

"Hey, what are you doing out here?" I shiver a little, "It's cold." I hand him a mug and he stares at its contents.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." His voice sounds flat.

I sit on the other patio chair and try to eat, pushing it past the lump in my throat, shaking like a leaf from the frigid night air.

"Come here." Hunter sets aside his meal and I move into his open arms, perching across his legs. "Remember when we first met?" He holds me close and I nod. "You didn't want to even hug me." His grip tightens. "I like this better."

"So do I." I sniff, feeling the warmth of his body, I remind myself that if he never married me he could have a normal life, with children. I am keeping him from being happy.

"Hey," his voice disturbs my terrible thought. "We can get through this together. There's always adoption..."

I stand, breaking free and stepping away. "I need to put Kennedy to bed." I don't look at him, I just leave him alone' leaving myself isolated as well.

After Kennedy is in bed I roam into the bathroom and start the bath running. While water runs I can cry freely and no one can hear me. I've just slipped into the water when someone taps on the door. "Go away!" I snap, knowing it won't stop either person on the other side of the door.

"Like that's ever stopped me." Kelsey answers my thoughts, barging in and I sink deeper into the water.

"Get out."

"I'm just borrowing some makeup remover."

"If you use it I don't want it back." I mutter, laying back and closing my eyes.

"So..." She stands at the sink, washing her face. "How you holding up?"

I suck in a breath. "I'm fine."

"Liar."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Andi, I know you and you need..."

"Don't tell me what I need! Leave me alone!" I scream, instantly feeling regret.

Kelsey shuts off the faucet and leans on the sink. "Okay." Her answer is calm. "But when you are ready I am here for you." She doesn't even glance at me, she walks out and I silently thank her.

I'm not used to being the one needing help, I am the older sister and I have always guarded my ability to put right any wrongs jealously. Kelsey offering to help makes me feel even worse. By the time I climb into bed Hunter is already asleep.

He pulls me close and I push away, curling up at the edge of the bed, trying to stop shivering. I don't deserve love or comfort, I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself.