chapter thirty-eight

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THERE ARE THINGS THAT I WILL never admit

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THERE ARE THINGS THAT I WILL never admit.

If Khale asked me straightforwardly why I refused to enter the palace then, I would never admit that it was because I knew my mother had gone, worked there for years, and then hadn't come back even when she had promised she would.

I would never admit that she'd made me promise not to tell her best friend, because she knew that Khale would be upset, scolding her for leaving her family behind.

I would never admit that when she left and I chased after her, it took me years to realize that there was no hope for her here, in Babylon, where my father's job couldn't be relied on, so she had to find a way to support us. "The palace pays well," she'd said, "so don't be too sad."

When she didn't come back after five, maybe seven years, my father drank himself to death.

There are certain things I would never admit.

Just like now, when Cairo pulled away, touched the side of my lips, and whispered, "First kiss?"

I would never admit.

"No," I said, "I hope you're not disappointed."

Cairo was silent for a moment, before he laughed out loud. "There's plenty of time."

I wasn't sure what he meant by this, but I didn't have the courage — or shame — to ask. Instead, I leaned back, putting as much distance between us as inconspicuously possible.

"Running away?" Cairo asked, and I scoffed.

I reached up to push my hair in front of my ears. I wondered if he noticed how flaming hot they were.

"Dinner time is finished," I said, a pathetic attempt to steer the conversation away. "You should probably go back."

And then, to convince him further, I added, "Otherwise it would be suspicious."

Cairo paused, looked up at me and smiled. "Why would it be suspicious?"

People will know that you came to my room.

But as I opened my mouth, the words got stuck to my throat.

Cairo's smile deepened, and the corner of his eye twinkled, as if smirking. I averted my gaze and looked at his nose, but even then, I felt it mocking me. "Why would it be suspicious?"

He was right. In this palace, why would this be suspicious?

After all, he was a prince, and I was his concubine. This was normal. Expected, even.

It was just that the realization of this squeezed my chest, akin to a man stabbing my heart.

Unknowingly, I'd reached up to rub my chest.

"Aliya?" Cairo called out, still smiling. "Why would it be suspicious?"

I opened my mouth again.

Who knows what they'll think we've been doing? You came into my room, alone, at nighttime, nonetheless.

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