The Lies He Spoke

THIRTY

"So you're telling me he explicitly told you to kiss him and you didn't do it?"

"It wasn't like that! What if he was just teasing me?"

"Blake." Logan was feeling calm enough that his anger at being scared had faded away a bit. He picked up the phone and looked Blake in the face. "Do you like him?"

"I don't know! What if he doesn't like me?"

"Whether he likes you is not the question! Do you like him?"

Blake chewed his lip. He looked away. "I don't know," he mumbled. "Maybe...no. I don't know."

"So you do?"

"What is the point of this?"

"If you like him, that means he's a good guy right?"

"Sure..."

"So why are you so worried? You think he'd lead you on like that?"

"Logan, there was another joke we had and he teased me about being a romantic and so maybe this is just that-"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Okay, you know what? Just do what you want."

"I don't know what I want!"

"If you want to kiss him then fucking kiss him. I don't know what else to tell you."

"You are so terrible. Give me some Elijah advice."

Logan's patience snapped.

"Well, I'm sorry that you only have me."

There was a long silence.

Logan bitterly wished Blake would just hang up the phone. He tried not to compare himself to Elijah, but he couldn't help it, not when Elijah had worked his ass off to raise all three of them, not when Blake and Olivia loved Elijah so much, all but worshipped the ground he walked on.

But Logan couldn't be Elijah. He wasn't that strong. He wasn't that brave.

He couldn't be who his siblings wanted or needed.

"I didn't mean that," Blake said softly.

"Sure."

Logan was exhausted. All these months trying to fill Elijah's shoes and hold himself together had been steadily wearing him down, and now the pressure came down so hard he ached.

He hadn't even realized how defeated he'd felt until right now. 

Blake's words reminded him that he wasn't the powerful older brother that his siblings could count on in any situation - he was only a sorry excuse for a temporary fill in.

"Logan-"

"Just - quit it, Blake. I don't care."

"Okay. Um, well, I will..." Blake swallowed. Logan felt nauseous. There was an awkward silence. Logan knew he was being petty but he didn't know how to fix this, and Blake was too much a ball of nerves from the Andy incident to do so.

"I will, erm, keep you updated," Blake said without much enthusiasm, not even looking directly at Logan.

Logan hurt. He felt even worse. Blake had called him in a panic wanting someone to hear him and Logan had made this a fight about himself instead. He wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.

He didn't want to be here anymore.

By some miracle, Blake was still on the call, waiting for an answer. Logan mumbled, "Okay."

"Okay. Bye. Good night."

Logan hung up without saying goodbye.

*****