My fight, My Struggles with Anxiety and Depression

Facing The Demons 2

I've never understood therapy, I always wondered how talking to some stranger about your problems helps, little did I know that life would force me to therapy myself and I must say, I was becoming a fan. It wasn't easy though, I wish someone would have told me that healing won't be easy, maybe I would have cut my expectations down. Healing is hard, maybe even harder than avoiding the issues or suppressing them. Healing is like having to open up a wound that has already formed scabs to clean it so it can heal properly and not be infected.

I was struggling, there were days where I would just cry and tell my husband I'm not going for therapy anymore because it hurts, the therapist makes me cry and she makes me sad. My husband would beg me to go and eventually I would, and I'm grateful to God that my husband was there to give me a nudge and support me through everything. One of the things therapy helped me to figure out was how much the childhood experiences had messed me up. I had a very low self-esteem, I struggled to believe I was beautiful no matter what anybody said, I feared social situations, I was always my worst critic. I now understood where all these insecurities stemmed from, and it was time to deal with the roots.

I experienced some bullying when I was in primary school and a little bit also when I was in high school. Other kids used to laugh at me, they would even make hand gestures and facial expressions laughing at my big ears, long chin, big forehand, big ears, and so forth. The worst of it all though was when I was in standard 2, the school was going to throw a farewell party for us since we were leaving for higher primary. The boys were told to pick their partners from the girls because the party would be some sort of ball so we needed partners. I remember standing there waiting for some boy to pick me, and no boy ever did. I was sad, luckily there was this shy boy who remained because he was scared to pick anyone, so the teachers said "well you two will just go together." That day I went home with a heavy heart, I went straight to my room and cried my heart out. Everyone was right after all, I was the ugliest girl to ever exist, I mean if no boy at the whole standard two wanted to pick me, I must be really ugly, I now believed it. What sealed my belief though was when the day of the farewell party arrived, and even the shiest boy in std 2 bailed on me. I had no partner, I felt rejected, I was sad, and I was ugly.

A lot of other similar situations occurred, but I will not get into them now. The bullying started happening even outside of school when I'm out playing with other kids. They would say mean things and laugh at me, eventually, I was tired and at some point, I retreated, I kept to myself. I would play by myself at home, I created my imaginary world and imaginary characters. The funny thing is; I always featured in these imaginary stories, and I was always the most beautiful girl, the most loved, and the smartest. The best thing was that no one would be able to hurt me there, I was safe. I grew up with my imaginary world to a point where I started feeling like I lived in my head. I would act up the stories, literally speak for the characters, and even laugh by myself. As I grew up however I started doubting my sanity but I just couldn't help it.

Now I was here in therapy and everything made sense. I understood why I had a very low self esteem, and why I felt so ugly. It all stemmed from the bullying, deep down I was still that little girl who believed that she was the ugliest girl because everyone around her told her or made her believe so. I remember sitting in front of my therapist and crying, telling her that I just want to be beautiful and confident. She didn't understand exactly why it mattered but it did. I wanted to be beautiful because I believed I wasn't, and because of that I had no confidence. I now had to face the bullying and reject everything I was made to believe and accept about myself. I had to allow myself to heal.