❝𝐅𝐎𝐎𝐋'𝐒 𝐆𝐎𝐋𝐃❞ ɢʀᴇʏ·s ᴀɴᴀᴛᴏᴍʏ

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

The bathroom floor is cold. Maddox's hands are freezing, but her cheek, which is in direct contact with the tile, is taking the brunt of it. For a few moments she doesn't dare look at Izzie, afraid of her reaction, afraid to look into her eyes and not know what to say to her to cure such grief, but she looks up only to find that Izzie is staring at a fixed point in the room, her emotionless face, and Maddox thinks that's even worse than if she were crying.

"I don't know what to say to you," Maddox confesses to her after minutes of silence, and Izzie looks at her for the first time.

"I don't know what to say to me either," Izzie whispers back. "When Dylan died... When the bomb went off... How did you feel? When he died, did you feel—"

"What?"

"Like you were moving in slow motion."

"No," Maddox murmurs. "He was there, and then he wasn't. Like when you blink. I didn't have the time to process anything."

"I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor and her prom dress with her and a dead fiance. But I am. So I can't. And I'm— just stuck. And there's all this pressure, 'cause everyone's hovering around me, waiting for me to do something, or say something, or yell or cry some more, and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say I'm fine and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't— I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person, I don't— I don't know who this person is."

"Izzie," Maddox murmurs, her voice cracking and her vision blurred with tears again.

"How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny?"

"You're not alone, Iz," Maddox takes her hand, and Izzie squeezes so hard that even Maddox feels comforted. "You're allowed to feel like this. You don't have to pretend, you don't have to make us feel comfortable. You're allowed and encouraged to go through this, through grief. No one will blame you for feeling sad. You should be sad. You should let yourself be sad. I know you wanna go back, and I wish I could, too. But it will take time. It will take time, a lot of strenght and you will have us here. Each and every one of us. We love you, we're here for you, and you're not alone," The brunette leaves a kiss on the back of her hand, sniffling through her nose. "I will be outside if you need me. I'll make some food for you in case you feel hungry later, okay?"

When Maddox gets up she takes one last look at her, trying to find a way to take away all the pain she's feeling, but is met only with a cold, empty image of feeling. Maddox closes the door softly, and when she does she leans back against it, breathing in a breath of air as if that will solve everything. She rubs her eyes with the back of her hand, aware that her eyes must be red. At these kinds of times she wishes she were much less empathetic, because she feels Izzie's pain as if it were her own, and she has enough of her own.

The kitchen is busier than usual. Before leaving, Meredith has left several sandwiches prepared, claiming they will be celebrating shiva for Denny. Callie pours herself a glass of wine she has just opened while putting away the bags of food she has brought, and Maddox thinks that whatever is in those bags will be more useful than the sandwiches Meredith has made. The girl hears a noise coming from the hallway, so she assumes that Cristina, who was upstairs with Izzie earlier and who she's taken over from, will be watching TV. Meredith has gone to the hospital, but has sworn she'll be right back to check on Izzie.

"This sucks," Callie says, raising her glass to her lips. Maddox just watches her, sitting on one of the kitchen stools. She suddenly misses that the countertop is full of Izzie's cookies and cakes.