seraphic [h.s]

chapter thirty seven.

I looked at Harry like he was the craziest man on earth, because this dangerous boy who was too tall for the stool he was sitting on had just spoken such pretty words right to my face. "I just mean, you could speak some whack shit to me and I'd just be happy to hear your voice at all. Don't want you to overthink what you say to me, we're friends are we not?" He continued, as if what he said already wasn't perfect enough.

I was a listener, that's what I was good at. And here Harry was asking me to be more open with him, just because he liked the sound of my thoughts. I was almost positive that my voice wasn't the most soothing, yet Harry seemed to want it and I couldn't believe he was a living, breathing, real human. Though my head was overruled by so many voices, I was so sure Harry would immediately regret the words he'd just said if he really knew what went on in there.

A tiny smile found my lips at his use of our label, I fought the urge to argue with him once I realised there was not really any other label that fit us properly. "We sure are," I grinned, "So play me some music, friend." Harry's jaw clenched instantly and I mentally patted myself on the back, "No you fuckin' don't." He mumbled, watching me as I neared and stood right in front of him, the drums being our barrier.

I smiled because I couldn't help it, his eyes were too sweet and his lips were too needy, I leant forward over the drums and pouted my lips close to his, "Something wrong?" I whispered, only to hear him growl in response. Lowering my eyes to his chest that seemed to always be bare when around me, I eyed the way shiny silver sat through his nipple, it looked like it was healing pretty nicely and I so badly wanted to touch it.

Harry brought my attention back to him by nibbling on my bottom lip, "We gotta find a better word than friends, I think I might cry if I hear you call me that again." He said honestly, and a giggle escaped from me as I placed a soft hand to his cheek and connected our lips. He kissed me softly, a sweet good morning kiss. As if our lips were saying hello for the first time today after having to spend a night apart.

We broke away slowly, all smiley and doe eyed, it was horrific that either of us were like that, and I knew we both felt it, felt how strange it was to actually need the other person, even for a simple good morning kiss. "We'll find a word eventually." I smiled as I backed away, propping myself down on the floor and kneeling, "Now let me hear some music baby." I cheered and noticed Harry's eyes sparkle almost instantly.

I could tell that he liked when I called him that, when I slipped in a word that naturally came to me, and I hated even more that I could never really do it. I wasn't brought up with sweet names and openly showing affection. I was brought up on needing to prove myself and knowing life couldn't possibly always be happy. It was a sick and twisted way of growth, and I hated that my parents brought me up in such a cold world when other people my age saw it so differently.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly insane, if I'm more like my mother who believes being artificial is more important than being truly happy, or if I'm more like my father who gets played by a puppet on a string. I always think the same things when I remember I am a by product of their outdated love, it happens in order. One, I'm not exactly like my mother because I couldn't care less about the artificial parts of me. Two, I can't be exactly like my father because I generally just hate people and therefore don't interact with them enough to be played with.

And so it's after those two realisations that I remember and know the answer of my questionable insanity, that being, I have no idea who I am. I'm a lost girl built from parts of two unhealthy minded people. I then usually cut myself some slack, because what do people expect when I've grown up the way I have.

Focusing back on the green eyes that were staring right through me, letting me wander around in my own thoughts for a bit, I made a mental note to try harder with sweet names and giving my love freely, even though deep down I knew I'd never change.