To my Dearest Celeste,
Hey, princess. How are you doing? I'm going to guess that if you've received this letter, I'm no longer with you. That's okay, princess. I know that you're going to be blaming yourself and sitting there wondering what you could have done to change the outcome, but the truth is, there isn't anything you could have done because I already knew what I was going to do before it happened. I knew that this would have to be the way things are, princess. It's heart-breaking to know that I'll never be there to see you kick ass and take the title that I know you deserve, but we were never meant to be a fairy-tale, darling. We were never destined to have a happily ever after. None of us were. If I could change that, baby, then believe me I would. I'd love nothing more than to be there when you have all your dreams come true. I know that Harry will do everything that I never could for you, princess, and I'm at peace with that. I know that this is how things must be. I know that you and Harry have had a rocky go with things, darling, but somewhere deep in that complex mind of his, he has good intentions, and he would never let anything happen to you. I think that you should try, if you have the heart and sound mind to do so, to hear him out when the time is right for you. We've all been fucked over in one way or another and believe me when I say that me dishonest with you is the biggest regret of my life. I'm going to tell you the truth now, when I can no longer be on the receiving end of your slaps, to tell you the truth. I've known you since the night of the murder, princess. You were so distraught and so horrified, to find out about your mother's death that I was the one to carry you out of the room when you saw the body. You don't remember, nor would you, because you were so out of touch with everything that you blocked it all out. I held you, darling. I held you so tightly that I was sure I'd never be able to let you go. I sat with you for hours and hours whilst you sobbed and bawled. I couldn't bear to see you in that much pain. I couldn't bear to see you now, whilst I know you're reading this. I couldn't let you go. I had to make sure that I did everything in my power to make sure you were close so that I could protect you, even if that meant dying for you. I hope that you're not torturing yourself over it, princess, because it truly isn't your fault. It's going to be the new normal though, darling, and you must come to terms with that because you deserve so much more than being sat there feeling regret over something that you couldn't prevent. I want you to go out and see the world, my love. I want you to feel the cool ocean breeze on your skin and the wind through your hair; I want you to feel so incredibly free that you truly never have to feel the fear of restraints again. There are many things in life that I regret, Celeste. There are so many things that I wish I could have done differently, or better. There are so many things that I wish I had the courage to tell you whilst I was still there, darling, but I can promise you one thing. I never regret meeting you. I never ever regret kissing you, holding you, loving you. Even if I've had to love you from a distance, baby. I still love you, all the same. I want you to live your life, Celeste. I want you to live for yourself. Not for anybody else. I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, that I can't be there with you physically any longer, darling. I really am sorry. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day, C. I never had any intentions of hurting you with the choices I made. I was trying to protect you in my own fucked up way. I know that you might not be able to comprehend that right now but as things unfold, and things are uncovered, I hope that you can understand that I didn't have a choice in the decision I made. I take accountability for hurting you, darling, I really do. I love you, baby. I am forever grateful and blessed that I got to call Celeste Delgado the love of my life.
It was an honour to be your ride or die.
All my love,
Zayn.
