Checkered Royals [Ciel Phantomhive x Reader] *NOT FULLY EDITED*

Chapter 15: Thoughts and Feelings

Death.

The ultimate price which I shall never pay unless I am killed. 

Killed, not by myself, but by someone else.

Anyone and everyone has the power over life and death. You don't have to be a trained assassin or a professional sniper, just anyone. A simple housewife has the potential.

A young child has the potential.

Even I, myself, have the potential.

I could reach across to Ciel right now and strangle him to death, but then again, Sebastian is just on the opposite side of the carriage wall. It would probably be my death that ends it.

I sighed. Why did I start thinking about this again? I remember. The talk with Ciel in the gardens.

Well I guess I do have feelings for the earl, not that it should really matter, I care about him mostly as a friend and that part of my love of him is the most important. And for neither of us to get hurt, by the way things are looking now, we should stay as companions. 

Not lovers, but companions. 

I up at Ciel again to find him staring at me. As our eyes met, he looked away, a light pink dusting his face. I felt my own cheeks do the same, as much as I wished they hadn't. 

Ciel, as hard as it is to think this, please don't do this to yourself. Save yourself from the trap that I may be.

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Ciel's POV

"You must think I'm filth now, Ciel."

My focus turned to Y/N slightly disarrayed but held its posture, "...what?"

"Demon's blood... Most people think of demons as scum, I don't know if you would be an exception. Being a human."

"..." I looked away again, there was so much I wanted to say, but I restrained it, "I'm not the same..."

"Then what do you think?" She asked, "what do you think about demons?"

"Some are scum as you say," Ciel mumbled, "but you can't group demons into one catergory."

I saw her nod from the corner of my eye before looking down at her hands thoughtfully. Was she thinking about her curse? I wasn't really sure. She wasn't much of an open book when it came to her expressions. 

I wanted to gaze at her pretty face to be completely honest with myself. Ever since I met her again, I've found myself becoming more and more... Drawn to her beauty. I did, and I do admit, had what they call, a small crush, on her whilst working on the case of her missing family, but I almost forgot about it over the time we grew apart. I was at a point in my life where there were no real goals anymore. 

I don't understand this feeling. I don't understand why I would have been jealous of Sebastian.
Sebastian, out of all people.

I was certain he was the one she had grown affection towards, the way they looked at each other, how they spoke near each other, just being near each other- it made me want to throw a fit of rage at the butler. I remember so vividly the two words she had said when I confessed that I was jealous.

"Oh Ciel..."

It sounded like pity, may it have just been me or not. 

Was she just treating me nicely because she felt bad? She's never actually shown any kind of romantic attraction, and it makes me feel like a hopeless lovestruck fool which I will try to deny at all costs- even though it's true. Maybe she did love Sebstian. Maybe she loved him because he was 'always there when she needed him' or because he was 'organised and mature'... What about me, what am I? Just a rich brat I guess, and I always will be. And the way he talked to her, oh how much it annoyed me. He always made her blush or feel thankful for his 'generous ways'. That sly demon. I had a special kind of hatred towards him.

Or what if... What if it was Arthur, her own demon butler, whom she loved? She certainly had a special relationship with him. He had originally always been there for her. Helped her through thick and thin, ups and downs.. And how she called for him when she suddenly awoke from her peacefully worrying sleep earlier, it was desperate, like she needed him. He was precious to her, and I know that for a fact, she is precious to him. They spoke to each other with very little formality when away from the public, they were so comfortable next to each other. He was her only remaining 'close family' afterall.

I felt the urge to pull her towards me and keep her from everyone else and claim her as my own so many times, too many to be healthy. 

But I knew it was wrong. 

I was engaged to Elizabeth. She was like family to me, I did not love her in a way of romance. We were already set to be engaged a long time ago, it was meant to be the fate that neither of us had decided in the first place. As the head of the Phantomhive household, it was my duty to marry Elizabeth. Breaking off the engagement to be with another woman whom people would presume I've had an affair with could be a taboo and a terrible deed. It could stain the Phantomhive name even further than it already has been.

And I've been reminded by Y/N multiple times that I am no longer human. I am a demon too. She's always talking about how I'm a human and all, and I really do want to tell her that I'm not human anymore, but have become a putrid demon. But I always stop myself because I know that if I do, it would change our relationship. She wouldn't want to be with me, I would live forever, and she'd- well, she wouldn't. I don't want to live a miserable life without her. And who'd want to be with a demon like I? Full of hatred and disgust. So fake. And so... Selfish. 

Someone as kind hearted and wonderful as her, would always have their limits. And her soul... If she and Arthur do fulfil their contract, then Y/N would die anyway. Not from sickness or old age, but by her demon butler. I really wouldn't want for any more sadness to come by either of us, I know I wouldn't want to watch another person I care about fall away from my life. My long and everlasting life.

Yet, I cannot help these feelings that I have developed. That longing for her. It makes me insane. Why couldn't all of this be easier? 

I gazed at her, she was still staring at her hands, her face very serious. She looked so... Unhappy. I felt like I wanted to reach across and hold her until she felt better. 

Damn.

Who am I anymore?

I'm not the Ciel that I used to be.

Am I even Ciel Phantomhive anymore?

My hand twitched, wanting to embrace her.

I continued to admire her, even in this state of half unwellness, she looked even more fragile than she usually looked. 

Then she looked up. She glanced at my face emotionless, and I immediately turned away. She caught me staring. I suddenly felt timid, embarrassed even. I could feel her eyes still scanning me.

Was she weirded out? 

Was she now feeling terribly self-conscious? 

Was my staring making her think that she looks ugly?

She was anything but ugly.

I felt idiotic.

I used to think that love was stupid. It was only a weakness. And look at me now, I crave it.

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A/N
hmm slightly shorter chapter today, but it's got some more feels to it XD