Checkered Royals [Ciel Phantomhive x Reader] *NOT FULLY EDITED*

Chapter 15: Thoughts and Feelings

A/N
//tears flowing
Ahh 3k reads overall uwu I feel so happy hhhh thank you all~
I don't even know what else to say.
Anyway, enjoy this chapter heh~

Though it may be a little TOO thoughtful at times and a little depressing... Just a warning! This chapter has a lot of stuff from the thoughts of our little characters!

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Y/N's POV

I looked up at Ciel who was sitting across from me. He was looking out of the window intensely as the carriage moved out of the Phantomhive estate. 

I gripped my hand tighter as I lowered my gaze.

"You must think I'm filth now, Ciel."

Ciel's focus turned to me, his face hard to read, "...what?"

"Demon's blood... Most people think of demons as scum, I don't know if you would be an exception. Being a human."

"..." Ciel looked away again as if he had something to say, but restrained it, "I'm not the same..."

"Then what do you think?" I asked, "what do you think about demons?"

"Some are scum as you say," Ciel mumbled, "but you can't group demons into one catergory."

I nodded slightly, and looked out of the window too.

 Sebastian was taking us to Alfred's branch of 'Blood Diamonds' to see if he knew where Arthur had gone. I felt quite hopeless. Arthur was usually the one who protected and looked out for me, it almost felt like our positions had been switched. Or perhaps not, perhaps it was like an owner looking for their lost pet... I sighed in grief and blankness. It was hard. 

I looked over at Ciel again who was still concentrating on the outside of the carriage.

What was he thinking? He was probably one of the hardest people to read when he is like this. I began to think myself. These past few hours have been a daze, the stallions, Ciel's discovery of my true curse, and now Arthur's disappearance.

 Then it struck me, the conversation I was in the middle of having with Ciel in the rose garden before Sebastian whisked me away. How he spoke I me back then, how he held me, how he touched me; Ciel was really causing me to become very puzzled. He admitted that he was jealous of Sebastian, his own demon butler. He genuinely believed that I fell for his demon butler. All of this was madness, Ciel had a fiancé, Lady Elizabeth Midford. The sweet and kind Lady Elizabeth. And he knew he had a duty to marry her and care for her. I had already accepted that there wouldn't be an easy way for Ciel and I to become more than friends, even if we did feel the same way for each other. I hadn't told Ciel an important factor of having demon's blood;

Living forever.

I would have to live forever along with my grandmother and my great great grandfather, and so on. They all stayed young looking, beautiful, handsome. They also had to change their identities every century or so. Move in and out of towns. They were still loving- but I could see the emotion ever so slightly fade away within as they get older. Those who they care most for withering away as they live on, healthy still no signs of ageing or decomposition. 

Ciel... I wouldn't want to live on without you if we did become betrothed and then bound together by marriage. I would be living in grief and sorrow, and I'd rather not risk that. 

Oh what great complications which come with the supernatural. Since when did I become involved in this extraordinary side of the world? 

Oh yes, since I was born. 

I looked at my hands as a sudden urge of hatred filled my head. Why was it that my family had to be cursed? The want of vengeance is growing stronger, but I fear the one who cursed me, my family, is already deceased. Then what would all of this be for? Nothing. I can't chase a person into the underworld when they are already dead, they have already payed the ultimate price! Well, that's what they say is apparently the 'ultimate price'.