"I just don't understand where this came from." My dad grumbles, running a hand through his hair tousling the strands. My mom nudges him, scolding him gently with his name. "Don't Rhett me, I'm allowed to not like this."
We're seated around the dining room table at my parents. My mom laid out a spread of salad, baked chicken and sautéed vegetables after the meeting with my lawyers and my dad hasn't stopped muttering about everything since.
"Sorry." I say, I didn't mean to upset him.
He shakes his head, letting out a breath as he pushes his food around on his plate. "You don't have to apologize to me, Holt. I just..." he blows out a frustrated breath, setting his fork back down. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks.
I can see him look at me out of the corner of my eye. Keeping my focus on my plate in front of me, I nod.
Everyone's watching me. I can feel them all staring. My mom's been studying my every move ever since I said I wanted to go, worry in her eyes. Birdie's tried to ask me a thousand questions that never left her lips. Even Vida, as soon as my dad said I was going she asked me why.
I know that I've picked the wrong answer, I'm going against everything they want. I'm disappointing them and I wish I could explain myself but I can't find the words. I just know that this is something I have to do, whether I like it or not.
But even though I don't want to cause any more disappointment, I'm not done. I know that my parents absolutely won't tolerate not coming and really I want them there. I need them there. To remind me that I'm safe, that Austin can't touch me, that I'm theirs.
Birdie and Vida though, I don't want them to come. I don't want them to ever be in the same room as Austin. I need to keep them separate for him, for my own sanity.
"Birdie..." I say her name cautiously, afraid of my own words. "I don't want you and Vida to come." I tell the table, unable to look anyone in the eyes still.
"What?" Birdie and Vida say in unison. Hurt fills Birdie's voice and guilt hits me like a wave.
"We want to be there for you." Vida says, adding in protest, "I'm coming."
Her eyebrows are knit, determination set a flame in her eyes as she gears up to hold her ground. I take note of my parents, my dad who sucks in a breath about to calm the storm brewing in Vida and my mom as she reaches to console Birdie. But this is a decision I'm unwavering in.
I meet her gaze, a fire burning in her blue eyes ready to fight me and I tell her "No you're not".
"Holt..." her lungs fill, a list of reasons probably ready to spill from her and I know they'd make sense, I know she thinks she has good reasons as to why she should come but I also know all the reasons why she shouldn't.
"No Vida." I shake my head. "You're not coming.." my chest is tight, tormented memories lingering behind my eyes as I fight to hold my ground. "This is my decision." Austin's face sneers at me, towering above me, stealing all of my freedom, instilling the fact that I hold no power. "And I made it."
She scoffs, "that's not fair. Why is it just up to you?"
I can feel a tremor rip through my body, Navy off somewhere in my parent's house with Lewy, leaving me to fend for myself.
"Vida please." I beg, I'm desperate for her to just accept it. She doesn't have to like it but I need her to just agree.
"No I want to go. I want to be there for you." She pushes.
I'm unraveling, the edges of my subconscious turning murky as they mix with the basement. I keep my eyes focused on my plate in front of me, my dinner partially ate, the dishes my mom searched endlessly for because they had to be a certain style and design to really pull the place together even though I'm not sure anyone else ever walks in and thinks "oh those dishes really compliment the space".
"I'm not afraid of Austin." Vida says defiantly and my thoughts scream at me.
She doesn't even know.
She doesn't know all that I went through at the hands of Austin. She knows the bare minimum, like everybody else.
"Vida, stop." Our dad says, it's a gentle tone but also there's finality to it.
I can't maintain my ground against Vida while I fight off Austin, gladly letting him take over. My body rocks, a soothing movement as I try to steady my breathing.
"Holt you're safe." My mom's voice breaks through my thoughts and I nod.
A soft thud enters the dining room, Navy's body pushing its way between the leg of the table and my chair, rocking me slightly as I sit. She places her head in my lap, her butt landing on my foot and I slip my hand under the table to feel her soft fur between my fingers.
"But dad..." Vida protests.
"If this is how Holt wants to do this, then this is how we're doing it and we are going to respect his decision."
I can only imagine the square set to his shoulders, his spine straight as he asserts himself. There's only been a handful of times I've seen my dad truly angry. But every time I stood behind him, allowing him to be my shield, my protector and even now, even when it's Vida, I'm thankful for his protection.
"Understand?"
Vida lets out a huff, crossing her arms as she sulks back into her chair and mutters crossly "understood".
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I listen for the shower to turn off, waiting in the bedroom for her. I'm anxious, I've been anxious but it's worse after dinner and it's not getting better as my fear for having hurt Birdie increases. I didn't mean to hurt her.
She steps into the room that houses my old highschool jersey, an overnight bag for both of us on a chair in a corner because early tomorrow morning my parents and I are leaving for the drive to Austin's parole. Birdie is staying behind with Vida, Birdie promising they'll have a girls night to try and soften Vida's disapproval.
"Birdie?" I say her name softly, quiet, just a whisper.
"Hmm?" She hums, a towel tied around her body, bronze skin still damp from the shower, her curls limp as they hang past her shoulders.
"Please don't be mad at me."
The sun has set, the blinds drawn, secluding us in the room. But the room is bright, like every room my mom touches, warm and inviting and safe.
Birdie let's out a breath, her features softening as she sits beside me on the bed. Her shoulder touches mine and I look over watching a bead of water drip from a strand of her hair and roll down her skin until it meets the towel.
"I'm not mad." She smiles slightly, her gaze on her hands as they rest in her lap. "I just want to take care of you."
"You do." I reassure her. Without Birdie, I wouldn't be who I am today. She's the reason I trusted my mom all those years ago. She's the reason I got help. "But I need you and Vida separate from him. He..." I can't find the right words, all I know is that I can't have a memory of Birdie and Vida tainted with Austin. "He can't have everything."
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5 hours and I'm on a plane! 🥳
