Frerard One Shots. ON HOLD.

Cancer.

Only when somebody you love is dying do you realize how much you do actually love them. And value everything they do. Cancer is a terrible disease, that tears people appart and leaves them bare boned. Leaves them nothing sometimes. This is a tribute to my mother, who passed 12/22/11. She had lymph node, bone, and lung cancer. This is sort of my experience with it. I apologize for any sadness this may cause. The picture is her. ENJOY.

12/4/12.
Today, Gerard was diagnosed. I almost didn't believe it. The doctors told me that there is a chance that he could live, which of course I believe. The doctors couldn't lie about that.

12/29/13
I visited him today. He didn't look well. It's been only weeks and I can visibly see a difference. His eyes are graying and his voice is weakened. The doctors told me today that his chance of life is now slim. This of course worries me.

2/14/13
Today he gave me his will. He said that he wasn't going to live. Two months. I of course didn't tell our daughters. I have been saying that daddy is on vacation. They understand. I'm not sure if I'll be able to ever tell them that daddy will be gone.

3/2/13
I was asked by Gerard to plan his funeral. He looked at me through his now lifeless eyes. They used to have a spark, now only despair and sadness. It's been happening so quickly. I have started to self harm again, and I'm not proud of it. His already pale completion is now a different shade, death. He looks like death.

3/9/13

He's deteriorating so quickly and so am I. I told our daughters and they don't understand. They're both six years old. I haven't been sleeping or eating much. I don't want to visit him anymore. He just looks terrible. So dull. It's selfish of me. I should cherish the time we have.

3/19/13
His funeral is officially planned. I don't think I'll be able to go. To much reminiscence. I've said my goodbyes already. As did he. Today I sat beside his bed and we just held hands and shared caring whispers of sweet things. I already feel dead inside, I love him so much I don't know if I can go without him for the rest of my life.

3/22/13
I went back in today, only to receive the news that he has died. Gone. I have contemplated suicide and I've decided yes on it. The girls are at their grandmothers. I can't take the lead of a family. I'm not strong enough. I'm glad I said goodbye at least. Sometimes emotional pain is just too much. Of course I can't express my sadness and sorrow in this stupid fucking notebook. I don't remember why I began writing anyway. So I guess this will be my goodbye.

4/3/13

I failed. I can't do anything right. Mikey came over after he heard. He walked in to my room with me having a gun to my head. So he forced me to stop. And I did.

4/20/13

I haven't left my house. I haven't done anything. I look a mess. Mikey has been periodically checking on me.

9/27/13

This is very late. I'm better. Still not healed, but better. I haven't been going to counseling, but using music I've been healing myself slowly.

3/22/14

One year. One year of despair. But I'm slowly gaining hapiness. I know that he will always be with me.

A.N
This is kinda a reflection of my personal experience. Sorry.